Hi Everyone:

I've been working myself up into a stressed-out mess. My short-term disability runs out Tuesday - it will have been 4 months. My doctor sent papers in saying I still can't work at all until January or that we will review in January. This means I will have to now apply for long term disability.

When I first "crashed" (my word) at the first of April, I could not imagine that I wouldn't be back up to full speed by now and back to work. I am definitely better - I am not losing my voice during the day (mostly) and my legs are stronger. However, I did completely fail my breathing test last week. I'm still not grocery shopping, cooking, etc but am feeling better at home.

I talked to HR at the children's museum where I work today about the possibility of me coming back in a week or two and just trying it. I have a recliner in my office and my boss said I could work from home some. Even though my doctor has been pretty clear, I still just think in my mind that if I say I want to go back, he'll say "Sure, go ahead." That's stupid isn't it? Anyway, the HR person asked me if my doctor is writing something up saying I am recovered and releasing me to go back to work. I said, "Well, no." She said, "Then you absolutely can not come back to work. You can't come back without written documentation from him." I don't know why it was such a shock to me for her to say this. I am so scared, on one hand, of losing my job, but on the other hand, of trying to go back to work. With this latest episode, my doctor wasn't sure if I would recover my voice fully. I am afraid of trying to work and crashing again and not being able to recover. But I'm also afriad of losing my job for a lot of reasons - love of my job, people, finances.

I'm also not good at looking at things objectively about myself. I keep going back and forth in my mind - one minute I think I am going to try to go back full time right now with accomodations and the next minute I think, how could I possibly do that? But what are the consequences if I don't? or do?

I would appreciate your prayers over the next week as I try to figure this all out. I'm acting like it's all up to me but I'm not sure now if I even have a choice in the matter. Would a doctor even send papers in to insurance one week saying you can't work at all and then the next week write a letter saying you can work?

Thanks, (sorry for the long post)