On top of all the other family issues, the legal issue to my dd loss is moving forward. The oppsition wants depositions next month. It seems like this is what the family and I have wanted so bad, but yet it makes the loss seem so permanant. Sounds odd to say, but a part of me still waits for the door to open and see my dd walk in.

I WANT TO HOLD HER SO BAD......
I should not have this hurt that was avoidable and do not ever want another family to have to go through it. Yet I know it is still happening.

I have been deposed before, the children were not, the younger has said he can't wait for the day he can tell them how this has affected him and what the loss is to him. I want to protect them, hurt knowing how sad they are and hide it from me....

Since she is gone, we exist.....
There is no pill, no therapy, no stages of grief to help.

All there are, my dear friends and the prayers for support and love.
I have a few weeks to prepare....is that what one does prepare? What does that mean. Am I trying to prepare to be strong, to prepare the recalling of memories and lost future.

I wonder what it was to have help one of my grandchildren that would have been. Instead of visiting them, I visit my dd grave.
I stand there and everytime I just want to dig with my hands and scream.

The sadness is something I have to hide, keep busy,
Then there are the dreams. So many lately that I am with my dd and doing activities that are generic, but I do not want to wake up. I do, and I function, if that is what it is called.

Then what happens? I know legally what happens. But emotionally?
Will I get better, worse,
How will the kids be. Will the anxiety/panic attacks lessen or get worse?

Prayers are all I can count on.....there is not anything else.
My own prayer list for others continues to grow. For the health of family, emotional needs and financial to be met.....

Love
honey