People have low self-esteem and beliefs that they don't deserve happiness for many reasons, many dating to childhood or adolescence. This doesn't mean that this was visited upon us by our families. Mine dated to starting elementary school, when I learned that many people are not as kind as my family was. Self destructive behaviors may be BECAUSE we feel we don't deserve happiness. From this they could grow into a compulsive type behavior. There is a plaque on my case managers shelf. I can't quote it, but it's something like thoughts become words; words become behaviors; behaviors become character. I think it might help if you come to this chat forum when you feel self destructive, and I hope that things are going great in your life NOW. billie bluecat