thank you for all the kind words..but it is so hard not to put the blame on myself..it was me who decided to get him the surgery..it was me who decided to entrust his life to an aide who could have cared less about him..it was me who made all the decions for him during his life..if only i had not decided to leave him for that 20 min (to take a short break and go to the bathroom) he would still be here with me today and i would have a reason to fight all the pain i am in to be able to love and take care of him..now the depression and the pain is all i have and i guess i deserve it for letting him down when he needeed me the most...linda