I sincerely apologize, I haven't been to NT for awhile now...I made a conscious decision to semi,,,wait...no, 9/10th retire from the forums because
I wanted to learn to be a good father to our two new members to our family.
And as we all know, the forums can become quite addicting as well as
time consuming.
I have even been afraid to lurk, simply because I know that I wouldn't be able to help myself and would get tempted to come in and type something.
But it's like chips, you can't type just one(to one post, that is)
I feared that I won't be able to say enough (because we all know that I've got a big huge mouth. LOL) and that I would forget about the kids and then that I'd find an excuse to put them in time-outs longer or more often just so I could post (OK, I am joking for those that don't know me, LOL).
It was painful, but I deleted NT from my favorites....
when moss told me that there was a thread here for me, I came that night and read it and I was really choked up...
It was also a night that I happen to be in a lot of pain. I sat and wondered about a lot of things....
and to come here to have read the thread...
it conjured a lot of emotions that I didn't know I was holding back....but most of all, it IS my heart that IS so deeply touched, to this day still...
I have been working on this post for about two weeks now (if you want a boring explanation, read this part, if not, skip to the next part. LOL
my hands are to a point that I am not able to type very good anymore where something that would usually take me a minute to post, would now take me about 20 minutes. But hey, no excuse...ya know?
)
and I kept on working at it and just don't think I am able to say all that I wanted to say but here it is...
~~~~~~~~
Life is a funny thing, it is not straight forward and is full of twists and turns. Yet, a lot of people, myself included...think in a linear way.
We never really think that things "happen" to us. We hear it happening to others, but some how, I think a lot of us, if not all of us, don't
really think that "things" do happen, until it happens.
about 10 years ago, I decided to start taking care of my body, my temple. I decided I wanted to make a life style change so that I can
stay as healthy as I am able to. It wasn't easy, but eventually, I got to that point.
That road was not walked alone by myself...
10 years ago, I was a bitter person. I felt jaded and jilted by life and all around me. I was enveloped by anger and self-abhorrence.
but almost 10 years ago, I found the forums...while the format and the "address" has changed throughout the years, I have traveled with some
long lasting companions as well as the continuum of adding the new folks.
If life is a big ole puzzle, then, the friends that I have met through the forums have been the pieces that I had been looking for...
You all have each been an incredible piece to this puzzle in my life. Some of you struggle mentally, some of you struggle physically, some of
you struggle with both or more. But each one of you are around. Brave souls, reaching out and touching lives and maybe NOT even realizing it.
I have transformed from this bitter former self to the better because of your stories, of your lives, of what you are/were willing to share.
each unique situation yet you all share a common ground. You all are heroes.
It is hard to "talk about it in the open". Especially when in a forum setting where hundreds if not thousands of people read.
Yet, there you are, out there, sharing your pain and your triumphs and doing it so in the open. You may not have realize it but you definitely
have touched lives. I know that MINE is touched.
I take notes, I am the perpetual student. I do and want to learn. And I have...
some of you share through humor, some of you share it through your tumors.
some of you share it through pain, some of you share it in the rain...
through all the rainy, stormy, squally weather (note, I didn't say WETHER, LOL), there is always a sunshine or rainbow in the end (but
if you were wether, then a couple of ping-pongs...LOL)
If I was going through what I am going through now, 10 years ago. I would probably not have survived this far, and you would probably hear
me cussing out life and trying to take it with me down under (not Australia, mind you...)
but, surprisingly, I am dealing with this in a different light...
don't get me wrong, I have my moments of self-defeat...but most of all, I have been fine with it...
I was quite surprised with myself at my "outlook" toward this thing. I should be bitter, I should be angry, I should be sore and hateful...
but I am not...
a big part of that is that because many of you have shown me, through the years, through your life, on how you have dealt with it.
Some of you are on wheel chairs, some of you immobile. Some of you use walkers, some of you use cane (to sWhack moi with).
but all of you, live with pains...
and there you are...living...yes, you have your bitter moments, but it makes you human and it lets me know that it's OK to whine and gripe, sometimes.
but always, you triumph over it, and you show me how you do it. And I am sure it isn't just me. This IS the world wide web after all and many read(lurk)
here...
at this very moment...I am a different person than I was, 10 years ago...because of the road that I have traveled...and a big part of it
was through the forums (from old mgh to bt to now nt, and all the ones inbetween)...
and somewhere in that journey, I've gained a lifetime partner that I could only have dreamt of...and she has been my rock...
I am quite at ease and peace...I am not afraid of death...
I AM afraid to become "disabled"...and that was the self-defeating moments that I had been living...when picking up a carton of milk
has become difficult, I wondered about my ego and how that would affect me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
But I also know that I will only be a burden if I only think of myself as being one. Many of you have shown me that here....
and I work it out...and at the end of the day, I am OK again.
Life really is good even though I am in this condition...
I am the happiest I'd ever been in my life. I am extremely satisfied. No, it's not perfect yet so perfect that I can't ask for anything more.
I am growing to love two kids that we are adopting. I have an awesome wife. And I have awesome friends, both on line and physically.
The outpouring has been stupendous..and I wonder sometimes, how did I get so lucky???
If I should not make it in this surgery. I would be fine. Because in this short time of contentment, I have lived only what many could search a life time
for that could not reach...
And while another 40 years would be nice (and I hope so...), I am glad to have lived such a wonderful life the past few years...
and you guys are a big part of it...
so, backtracking to where I've mentioned about my pain and my whine about not able to type and blah blah blah...
A LOT of you are doing it...you are typing and you are in lots of pain...you are LIVING....
and then, there is moi...whining..yet, learning...so much from you...it is little things like that...that I so appreciate that I have
learned from you all...to NOT give up....
to end this note, I think I'd rather say that life is a big endless tapestry in the works...and each piece, beautifully woven and being
attached is continuously in motion...and I thank you each for being a piece of that artwork...
Poultry in motion if you are a bird. LOL
From the bottom of my heart, and moss's heart, thank you with tons of love...
moi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
btw, to those that were puzzled by my surgery date, I apologize for that. It kept on getting pushed back due to moss's unrelenting diligence to get me the best doctor possible. I was originally supposed to have the surgery in June.
But she kept on seeking out the doctors and bringing me to the doctors (against my will, LOL) and finally convinced me that I have the best doctor possible now to do the surgery. It will be in Augusta, Ga. About 3 hours from where we live. She has been the rock that has been keeping me rolling...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I really should've alphabetize the names, but I was just picking it out of my head as I was thinking; plus, I am too lazy...
and of course, how can I sum up each one of you in just few mere sentences...yet, I am just a mere mortal with limited brain function and resources when it comes to words.
you all mean so much more to me/us than just the few words, but I'll try to attempt to at least say something because it IS important to me that I let you know, while I can...
and while I know some of the names I mentioned won't even read here, it doesn't matter...because I need to say it....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
alpho, your sharing your pain about Michael has saved my life many times over through the years, it's taught me about thinking about "it" and why we shouldn't do it. Your educating others about and starting the SOS forum has been a life savor. And of course, the countless visits and cooking and fun...you mean the world to us...
cheri (Chemar), your gentle touch as an administrator definitely makes a difference in this here them forum. But your love and kindess
for the members is what stands out. You have one of the toughest jobs, yet you do it so well.
koala77, it's been such a pleasure getting to know you. Your tremendous support and love for us is one that we're thankful for. Thank you so much for the trans-Pacific call the other night. It touched us deeply...
Lara, our other Aussie friend, almost 11 years we've traveled, high and low(literally, I can still remember driving through Oregon. LOL) and here we are here, still...the invaluable lessons and paths through the years and your special insights has had a profound change in my life.
doody, we are still so flattered to have your presence at our weeding. Your love for all creatures, great and small is deeply moving.
and through the years, our humors have offended many yet we still survive, til this day. You have our undying love as well.
ducky, our poultry friend, your Wes moved us, your Dale touches us, and you Wing us...still my favorite l'orange.
soxy(soxmom), it has been such a pleasure getting to know you and becoming friends with you. Your undying support for us is so appreciated and and with every little note and email, we just love you more and more...
scrabbly, we walked a long way, too, didn't we, dear friend? Through all that you've been through, you've risen to the top. And your gentleness and kindness and your artistic gifts and friendship to us has been one that we have treasured so much through the years.
Taffy, I should smack you...LOL but I must tell the truth. You have one of the kindest hearts and one of the most wonderful spirits ('cause you opaque, woman. LOL) around. And your humor is something that I look foward to every time I visit here...
DM, I should smack you also..but everyone knows and love the DM because of your supports to all...and through all your pain and tears..you manage to get lots of laughs out of us along with your partners in crime. Although, the princess' crown is still being debated, a crown should be awarded for your heart...
wiz(ewizabeth), I still want to yell "wizzy" everytime I see your name. LOL your humor is often appreciated and yet it is your friendship and support to us that brings and tenderness to our hearts...
shelley, the other princess, who really hates sheleries, what's not to love about you? You make me laugh, you make me smile, and you are my bud. Although, I think you and DM should have a jello-fight contest(clothings optional) to settle this princess thing once and for all. I'd like to promote it via pay-per view...please contact me...
Jo*mar, or should I say, encyclopedia Jo? LOL always giving so much...I hope you get back as much as you give...always sharing those infos that people are asking and searching for...maybe we can turn you into a google...
vini, dude, you are one of the smartest dude that I know...and one of the most caring...and you have tremendous talent and heart...love ya, bro
Bannet, I was so happy to read a post from you, you have been missed here...with all that you've been through, I've always enjoyed reading your happy times...and how you look at life...I really missed you when you are not around.
BJ, your deep insights that you share through your pain...it's something that I sometime *sigh over because of how deep it is...it's something that I cry over because of how painful it is...but it is something that I smile about
whenever I'd read one of your inspirations or revelations...I hope you keep on keeping on in this hard journey and I wish that your pain eases and that you keep on being strong like you have been, even in those darkest days...
mistiis, a long road we traveled together as well, we lost you for a few years, only to see you emerge stronger, better, and more awesome than ever...moon lits over the river for you, my sweet dear friend...and I am so glad that you've found us again and are now part of our family again...but you never left...truly...
Mrs. D, this is where I would thank you for guiding mistiis back to us. Your knowledge and help to others is invaluable to this here them forum and I am very honored to getting to know you the past year and adding you to one of my dear friends list. I hope you have a wonderful summer vacation...
Abbie, through your pain, through your tears, you emerge strong...your strength is rooted deeper than you know...I am so glad to have gotten to know you, to learn about you and to become friends with you. You touch me with your stories and your pain. And I know you'll keep on fighting and keep going. NO matter how much you want to give up...because I, believe...
doxiemama, thank you so much for the emails and PM's....we so appreciate them and are grateful for your offering to come help us. You've touched us deeply
Goofy, we still talk about Savannah, Olive garden, the blues singers...Scott's success is a testament to the type of parent/person that you are. Maybe you are goofy, but you make our hearts gooey...
Darlene, you always have a kind word to say to the new members, you always have a kind word to say to a lot of the members. And it is unyielding...it doesn't go unnoticed, I assure you...
Ivy2, I am glad to have gotten to know you as well, that memoir you've shared still makes me smile when I read about it. Your wonderful support to us is greatly appreciated
twinks, what can I say, it was great meeting you in person. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and wonderful to all the moisses...you are a tremendous support to many here and we are grateful and honored to be one of them...
kitty, it was wonderful meeting you in person also. Your kindness and support to many here is greatly appreciated by many and you are of that kind soul that gives, always...
kicker sis, what wonderful memories we have visiting with you. You are one of our heroes...through your pain, you manage to keep your humor. Through your hardship, you manage to keep your spirit up. I am so proud to call you one of my sis...
tamilulu, another sis of mine...you and SandyC share the accolade as paragon for caretakers, the undaunting task of taking care of olhipie while being supportive to many. You're a gem, what else can I say?
aarcyn, my other sis, thank you so much for all those private encouraging talks...you have made much impact to me with your knowledge. And your love and support to us has been sweet to our hearts not to mention
tummies...
tkrik(trish), the cyst...LOL OK OK, the other other sis...great heart, great talent, wonderful sense of humor...if I say great t*ts, many might get offended and not know what I am talking about...(they should read about your memoir than they'll just get a chuckle out of it...)
Bets, my crypto-gram pal...it was such a pleasure meeting you in person as well...although you don't say much here...I know in private, you have been tremendous in your support to quite a few of us...moisses included...
SandyC, as I've mentioned, you and tamilulu sis are the paragon of caretakers...and I still want to see that Ice cream Jesus...your talent and your heart along with your love for that special Jim, who is another hero; fighter that I look up to...is something that really should be written in the books...a love that survives through all...
Sabimax(sarah), what a year it's been, with your sister, with your dad...yet, there you are...showing your love and support to us...in your sadness you've shown your courage...thank you...
DejaVu, I haven't seen you for so long and was I ever glad to see your name around here...I have been wondering about you and if that you are recovering well...you are such an awesome fighter...and you are here through your pain supporting others...you have shown me what it means, to LIVE...no matter how hard it is....
Blessings2you, I love how you think even through the incogfognito. It's those quirkiness that makes me look for your posts that I am sure make a lot of people smile.
COK, can I come sit on your porch?? I hope some day....always those inspirational words and thoughts...always enriching and providential..
mallow haid (BMW), cousin, you are a true warrior...what you've shared in the open and in private erupts tremendous courage...and heart...your humor and your poetic gifts are unique and always valued
blue nurse/purple nurse, my funny friend...love the way you look at life and love the way you laugh...it's good medicine that you dish out...always with a spoonful of sugar...
karousel, your kindness and words are music to our ears like those horses on a stick(LOL) that lingers round and round until we smile...
blue majo, my friend from Mexico...keep on smiling and don't give up...you have a lot to offer...you are fun and talented and have a great heart...find you, which is already there...that we love...
friend2u, thank you for bringing the sunshines and smiles when we're down...
brokenfriend, you're always showing such support for so many...yet, I know you struggle so much with your life. But, you remain faithful to what you believe in and what you must do...thank you so much for all of that...
Dmack, so much wisdom and so raw...you bring another dimension, always, to all the hard subjects...yet, I applaud you always, for sharing them...you are truly a knight..
wren, if only the world knows your story, if only the world knows how much courage it took for you to be where you are today..if they only know...I am honored that you shared with me in private and I am in awe of your strength and courage...I am honored to be one of your friends...
gmsue, I wouldn't trade your wisdom for a million bucks (but maybe for 10 million). Thank you for the advices and heart talks...
angelrsd, through your pains, you find time to send me PM's and inspiration. And share with me the triumphs that you and your hubby went through. I really hate not getting to know you better before my 9/10th retirement, but I hope you know that you already made an important impact in my life....
barbo, I will, one day, paint again...with the gift that you've given to me through Pam...I think of her fight against MS, and I think of your loss and YOUR fight for losing her....in that grief, in finding that strength...I am so glad that you've joined us here and please know that we keep you deep in our hearts...
addy, what can I say, add a lot, 11 years of long road we walked together, also...on a parallel path that we walked, we became twins in our journeys and found ourselves...to read about your road to victory makes me smile for it resonates my own...
jaded2nite, right now, we are on the same path, what a tremendous path you are walking through right now, taking on a precious little life that should've been someone else's job...yet, there you are...doing it...we have such respect and love for you...
nik-key, another warrior, in your lost, of your dad and now Lyn, you have shown many of us what courage means...no matter how painful, no matter how arduous, you showed us that it CAN be done...our admiration and respect for you is immense...and of course
always love...
salpal(SallyC), what can I say, you just make me smile....and you are a true pal...
idealist, dude, you are something else...brilliant in your thoughts and just a burst of goodness throughout. I am so happy for your current path in life and I wish you the very best and happiness for you truly have earned/deserve it...
gardengirl, in the short time that we've known you, you have been so supportive of us with your kind words and thoughts...and in your tough situations you've always made time to take a moment to let us know that you care...we love and care back...
von, I hope people around the world one day will be able to see your talent and what you are doing for those children through your artistic quilts and your generous spirit.
MelodyL, girl, you simply crack me up...I still say your heart is that of innocence and I hope you never lose that no matter what anyone says...and that you remain true to yourself no matter what your neighbor says...keep those Ewetubes coming
and those sprouts growing and those soaps on your ears...
allentgamer, dude, I miss our tech tawks and I hope you are doing great, you probably don't even read here but it's been such a pleasure getting to know you and cracking up with you. I hope to catch up with you again, some day soon and pick at your brain
oldsteve, thank you for those daily jokes...they really can brighten one's day. Even though I don't know you well, I know that you are special and I hope that some special girl finds that Single's ad one day and answers it and answers that special old guy...
weegot5brits, Frank, I don't know where you've disappeared to, but I miss you, my brother...I miss "cutting up" with you...I hope you are doing well and I thank you for being my late night buddy for so many sleepless nights. Send our love to Deb as well, please.
hollym, you always have a kind word to say to me and others. You have been a tremendous support to me and da wife. And I hope things are settling for you now and hoping to one day get to meet up with you when we get up north that way.
braingonebad, thank you for always keeping it real, and you are the deal...LOL
coolangel, there's been so much going on with you lately...but you are in our thoughts and prayers. We're thinking about you...
Polarexpress, your demeanor and positive attitude in the loss of LeAnne is something that I often reflect upon and have learned. It is taking something positive from the negative and living day to day and seizing the moment that you've help me learn...
azyozize, the postcards have been wonderful, the video was awesome, and your wonderful attitude toward life is mostly appreciated.
Debbie D, always those prudent words from you. Always the erudite in you that helps me see.
Finlady, your artworks are amazing, chaotic yet peaceful. Ying/Yang to me. You balance so well in your life through all the hardships. I've enjoyed getting to know you as well.
twokidstwocats, I thoroughly enjoyed our little chats at times. Even though you don't say much, I deeply appreciate the times that you've taken to humor me, my friend.
Cayokay, hope things are going well down there for you in Belize. Your kindness shows in all your posts and it has been fun getting to know you.
ali12, for such a young lady, you have such mature perspectives...you are something else, and I hope you the very best in your ventures in life.
curious, the last sis to be mentioned but not least (but the shortest? LOL) well, monkey, what can I say, you know you are a tremendous force around here them forum. I know things are tough for you right now yet we know that you'll be the one to pull
everyone through...thank you for your love and support through the years even with the fleas thrown in...hoping for the best outcome...
amn, well,nappy..you knew I was going to mention you last...ROFL...and you know I had to smack you...don't change(I know you won't, anyways...LOL), keep on smacking...and you know deep inside, I really value and appreciate you...even when you speak only hindu to me...
I know I will have missed someone, and I hope you will forgive me, it is not on purpose...I could write and write and time is not on my side right now, I must get this posted or I won't have a chance to get it out...but if I missed you, I hope I will have the chance to come back and add you in...
there are also so much more I could say about each and everyone of you, and while the words themselves may be redundant, the meaning doesn't waiver, nonetheless
"love, support, friendship, wonderful" pretty much sums up all of you...
from the bottom of my heart...
moi