Thanks Pam. Been a while since I have been here. We are getting by, day by day. Me moment by moment.

I am mentally, emotionally exhausted.

They put my son in an outpatient crisis treatment program. I am definitely not happy about it. I practically begged them to keep him in the hospital but I guess they had other plans. Fortunately though the psych through the program was very kind, understanding and easy to talk to, or I should say my son liked him so he has agreed to take two new meds.

You know, that is all I wanted. I was more than willing to forget all the other meds if he would just take one of his psych meds. He was so loaded up on meds, mostly nutritional supplements and just got so sick of taking pills and was sick of everyone else running his life and telling him what to do. He wanted to be in control for a change. LOL, well we saw how that worked out. A trip to the ER by the police is how that went. He never gave me the chance to make the offer, to try the compromise. He just flew into a rage about 'oh yeah, it's all about the meds, all about what you want'.

He is terribly manic, prone to rages over nothing then shortly thereafter he is apologetic, then crying because he is sick of how he feels. I think some may have been withdrawal even though he never took any of these new meds regularly. I dread him calling me because he usually wants something of me, I dread being in the same space as him, he drains me. We get along, we laugh, we talk, he gets obnoxious, angry, cusses, I ignore, gets worse, I reprimand, silence, start all over again. This can happen in the space of ten minutes. When I leave him I am so tired I can sleep for an hour or two.

He is staying with my mother right now but will be home for the weekend. I am dreading it.

My fiance and him got into a fist fight not long ago and the police were called. They were going to take both of them if I hadn't of found a place for my son to stay the night. I should have let them take them both.

He will be 17 on the 5th, closer to being out on his own. He really wants to get a job and be out in the world but what he is not understanding is he can't do that without his meds.

I don't know, we will see. I love him with all my heart and all of my worst fears for him have come to pass these last two years.

Thanks for asking about me Pam. Sorry it is so long. There really is a lot more but this is plenty more than was needed I am sure.

I am devastated about BT, I have been crying on and off for the last 5 days. We have the PMs until Saturday so we are all passing around email addys.

Think I will take a nap to prepare for this evening's therapy session.