Hi, Donna ....

I am feeling a bit worried at how dad doesn't get the picture of why your son needs this semi-sheltered existence for now. You know, having him live at home, and your helping him out with car insurance and such...

Maybe his Voc Rehab counselor or his psychiatrist or counselor could help him realize how emotionally precarious this entire time of life is -- transitioning from childhood to adulthood, all the responsibilities, and how ANY KIND OF CHANGE is stressful, and that he can only add a part-time job IF he and his counselors think it can be done. And for that matter, simply moving out of the house into another place, with other people, might just be too much.

Dad has to be able to recognize that the PRIORITY right now is GETTING THRU COLLEGE. The next priority is CREATING A STABLE SEPARATE EXISTENCE. And there are a number of little steps getting from here to there.

If he can understand that done correctly, your son will quite possibly never have to come back home to live permanently (more or less), then hopefully he will be willing to make these concessions. Actually, the statistics show that more and more "grown children" (of ALL ages) are ending up back at home for varying periods of time because of various reasons...

My ex had both our children living in our home (he had more or less moved out to his girlfriend's) for almost 10 years before he sold it -- right after our older child and her family moved off for her to go to law school.

For the younger one (bipolar I) he did it so she wouldn't have to sleep with a guy to have a place to live. When she left for another state to follow a boyfriend, he had her get an apartment there (he pays the rent) so she would not come back home. Home had too many slacker druggie deadbeat friends from school - some who have now been jailed for drugs, some of who are now on SSI for mental illness. The lucky ill ones live with a parent. Actually, they almost, to a person, live with a parent or a sibling.

It is unfortunate that Kat has such difficulty being around anyone in her family.... All of us love her - but since she can't stay on her meds, she becomes somewhat psychotic, highly agitated, and increasingly frightening to be around as her aggressions builds... If she has to share living quarters or even much time with someone she just can't emotionally handle or has to stay employed for many weeks or months, she always eventually gets to that point.

She will never, it seems, ever be able to be "gainfully employed". I'll never forget the first time I understood the seriousness of bipolar I. A man who had a wonderful college career, graduated with high grades, hired for a great job in a firm offering him a wonderful life... but he began tumbling into his first hypermanic episode.. Ten years later, he was working at night, alone, in a downtown parking lot as an attendant. Like my younger daughter, the only jobs she can handle are those where she works alone. And here is this man, with all the education my daughter will never be able to have.... and yet here he is, at the EXACT SAME PLACE SHE IS.

Share this story with your spouse. One step at a time, lots of support, emphasis on good psychiatric supervision, learning to tweak meds, working on building healthy FRIENDSHIPS with fellow students. If he had to work to pay rent, he would not be able to join clubs and organizations, participate in extracurricalar activities. There is more to life than work, home and TV. If he can be encouraged to explore his interests, the benefits, to my way of looking at it, would be tremendously valuable to him, thru out his life.

I cannot emphasize this more. If you don't have bipolar yourself, you might not recognize how valuable social skills and social ease are. And social skills are directly related to work environment skills. You are doing this the right way, to my way of looking at it.

Often a spouse (even when not a step-parent) dreams of a time when the house belongs to only the two of you. And they dream of a time when no one else will be in the bathroom, or eating the last slice of cake or drinking the last coke. <smiling> Or maybe he just wants more alone time with you. Maybe you can enourage your son to make friends how live off-campus and ask if he could spend a night to visit. You could make sure he came complete with home-made goodies and perhaps a KFC bucket dinner for all? That would grease those welcome wagon wheels!

I do feel for you, having to help your son, yet keep your spouse from feeling too put upon... I hope things are easier as time goes by...

{{{{{{{{{{Donna}}}}}}}}}}}
Teri