thanks for the post moi. much much much appreciated. i don't know how much longer i can go without seeing a psychiatrist (i'm waiting to be referred to one), but you are right, the people at NT make the waiting game a lot easier. i'm trying my best. i'm trying so hard. every day is more of a struggle than i'd like to admit.

pearl, i'm so glad you posted. i really appreciate that you read through all these old posts and i'm VERY glad that you were able to gain some support and hope from them. everyone here is so incredible.

i've come to realize that my self esteem is largely dependent on male attention. i don't know why. i have nothing to prove. but after every failed relationship, i feel worse and worse about myself. even if the person treated me horribly, i still find that i just want them to call me and tell me that i'm desirable. i'm having a hard time moving past this last failed relationship. all i want is for him to say "no wait, you are a good person. i made a mistake." and it's not just pride....it's something else....the feeling of being wanted. and the feeling of someone fighting for you. i've never had someone do that. so then i seek it from, apparently, the wrong people. i get let down all the time. i don't like myself for that. that's a really embarrassing thing to admit. and as i re-read this last paragraph i've written, i feel like i'm 16 again...i'm so ashamed