I hope nobody minds my rambling...

I tried to write the rest of it last night but I was so tired and couldn't remember much...

in the past two hours that I have been writing this...I no longer had the emotions that I had when I wrote the first part...

I wrote the rest of this with a big smile on my face...and I think, with my face blushing...and kind of embarassed, still...

I am a self-defecator...(wait, looking up dictionary...)

X-x-x-x-x-x-x-x (crossing out the line above)

I am a self-deprecator by nature...

for the 3/4 of my life now, that self-deprecating came with a lot of pain...

but these days, they are not so (not most of them, anyways)...

these days, I can truly laugh at myself and BE comfortable with myself...

it's a difference that I treasure and value...because I am so glad that I've made it this far to be able to feel this way.

I know some of us don't make it that far...or are still struggling and going through it....and I definitely am NOT making light of those that are struggling with low self-esteem right now...

I FEEL your pain...every bit of it, trust me...and there are days that I STILL do...

in writing this, I know I didn't give answers, I wasn't looking to give answers...who has the answers, really???

I can only share my own growth and how I survived...it wasn't done over night or over a few weeks...

it took years of asking and self-doubt, it took years of self-beating and injury and sometimes, even attempting at taking my life...

I am one of the lucky few that made it through...and I am grateful...

let me share why I love you guys so much...

as I've mentioned it before..."YOU" might not even know it...

but the past 10 years has been crucial in my finding myself and a big part of that is finding the forums and you guys....

you have taught me more than I will be able to express in words...I am NOT just saying that, I mean it so sincerely from the bottom of my heart....

OK, now I have some tears...but it is a happy and grateful one...full of appreciation...

If I know how to do it for you, trust me, I'd come and take that pain away from you and I'd come and knock that wall down for you....

but I can't..I can ONLY relate...and I hope I've related...and to let YOU know that there IS a chance...for any ONE of us....

we can't give up....NEVER....

please DON'T EVER GIVE UP...you have TAUGHT me that!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Manda,

you are one of the reasons why I have wrote this...not because I pity you, I will NOT be that disrespectful to you, ever.

I also wrote it for Bluemayo. And of course, others that I think may be going through the low self-esteem issues...

once again, I am not a good advice giver...I am a relator...

I just wanted to show you that you are NOT alone...and that WE care...

I've been wanting to write this for awhile now because my wife knows the story and some of you actually know about it also. LOL

And I had actually written it in another format years ago...

but in this case, I found that I've written it truly the way I wanted to write it...because it was a part of my journey that made me part of who I am today....I NEEDED that journey...and I am glad that you've joined us...and that when I read what you wrote the other day got my butt in gear to write this out....((((BIG HUGS))))

~~~~~~~~~

barbo, it WILL happen one day(us meeting)...now that I am getting better, I will one day soon take out that art kit of Pam's that you've trusted me with...and I will paint or do something with them...I promise...it may not be any good...but I will give it my best...

I know Pam's art kits must mean a lot to you...and you have never even met me, only through dear Alpho...yet, you placed that trust to me...and given me that gift...I will treasure it for the rest of my life...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sabimax(sarah)

what a tough year it has been for you, dear Sarah...your dad, your sister, and your own battles...

but I rarely see you complain...gosh, your strength is amazing and I just have such admiration for you...for all the kids that you have, for all that you've been through...you have chose to go on...facing it...

do you gripe? yes, but that's because you're human...but do you get up the next day and get to it? YES,you do!!

If only some of the people out there that are whining and griping yet so able bodied would stop complaining and get high and get drunk and complain about it being everybody else's fault would learn from folks like you...

(((BIG HUGS))) my dear friend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kitty,

what can I say about you that hasn't been said?? Meeting you and twinks was one of the highlights in my life. You have the daily struggle with your MS yet you are ubiquitous all over this huge forum, gently purring to many that are in need of kindness...

often you give out that paw of yours (I meant paw in a very respectful way because I love cats also, and I love their paws, just ask my wife. LOL, I might have to explain it someday. LOL) to guide them through with those gentle paw prints...

(((BIG HUGS))) (and I am glad to have hugged you in person. )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

doxiemama,

I think it doesn't matter what type of personality one has...I think everyone has gone through some sort of low self-esteem issues at one time or another. I think some of us cover it better than others, though. LOL

I must thank you for all your encouraging emails and PM's...I must apologize for being sucky at answering emails and PMs...

I am not sure if you know this, but finding your emails and PMs really brightens my day, even if I don't get to answer them. You and soxmom have been so consistent in sending me the emails and PM's that are encouraging and loving that I look for them, always...

I am glad you have enjoyed reading these non-sense that I've typed...but then again, I do type a lot of non sense and if that is what will help you unlurk...then, I'd be glad to come up with more non-sense...*biggrin

(((BIG HUGS)))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pearl girl,

your post to Manda really touched me deeply...I am so glad that you have joined our wonderful family here...

what are memories? With each step that you take, a memory is created...with each breath that you've taken, a memory is created...

you may not have remembered certain parts of your life...but maybe that's a blessing in a way...

while that reunion is a happy one, I am sure there were painful memories for many of them, except now that they are mature enough to let by gones and be by gones and just enjoy the now and the maturity that they have grown into...not saying that there weren't great friendships or comraderies...

and now, you get to create new memories with us...walk with us...(((BIG HUGS)))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tamiloo-sis,

it's funny how we often find women that are held hostage by these men of bête noire....

they are predators that prey on women with low self-esteems...they play with their emotions and abuse their victims...

then, they know that all they simply have to say is, "but, I really love you"

and each time, the women go back to more and more abuse until they're afraid to run away anymore...

I am so glad that you are one of those ones that got away....because you really ARE one of those Utah Mountains that have gold inside instead of copper...and you deserve all the happiness that can be thrown at you...

(((BIG HUGS)))

~~~~~~~~~

reyn,

for 10 years we've walked together...through the humming birds to the tear soups in the rain...

it's been a road tougher than a liver (sorry, I can't help but use liver because I had a conversation with someone the other day about eating liver and they were telling me how much they hated it because they couldn't chew it and would have to spit it into a napkin...LOL)

but here you are, still...right next to us and us right next to you...I am so glad to see you back with us...

for I do wonder about you..how you are...if you're safe...you're happy, sad...

if I or any of us can help you catch those tears when they'd come and open that window for you to let some sunshine in...

love you much, dear friend....that'll never change...

(((BIG HUGS)))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and thank you all so much for indulging me to write this out loud...and let it out...and even bother to reading it...

and it's been good for me...my soul...

((((BIG HUGS)))) for you all and to the broom....

love,

moi