thank you (as always) abbie. i've spent the weekend evaluating my beliefs. i've been listening to music and reading lyrics. i feel like i'm close to knowing what i have to do, but i'm not quite there yet. i know i need to leave the past behind, but am struggling to do so. i even just took a simple step as deleting some toxic people from my facebook.

i'm finally understanding what all of you have been saying to me--i'm in a new city and i have the ability to start fresh. why bring cracked faces into my new world? i'm trying hard. i'm trying so hard.

i'm still tormented by nightmares each night but i try and wake up knowing i create my reality even if my mind plays tricks on me while sleeping.

i think the suicidal thoughts are sometimes quieted by the simple fact: what if after i die, it's one ongoing nightmare that i don't have the ability to change?

although i really don't like my life right now, at least i know what is in it. i don't know what waits for me after death. what if it's worse? that fear has "helped" in preventing too many destructive thoughts

i'm trying so hard. i'm trying so hard. this weekend was hard.