For many folks the nature of the Creator and their relationship with this Deity is the ultimate existential question. It’s perfectly healthy for you to ponder this: humans have considered these questions since the dawn of time. I’m sure there are folks here who can discuss this topic in a thoughtful, inclusive, inoffensive way that might well prove useful to you. Of course, after your head has thought long and hard, I suspect that, ultimately, you will have to find your personal truth in your heart.