Quote:
Originally Posted by braingonebad
I was of the same mind, but I'm glad you said it first. That is the MO of the passive/aggressive. They don't confront you. They don't engage if you confront them. They just use all the gas in your car, and if you call him/her on it, "Oh, did I? Gee, so sorry! It won't happen again." Only it does. Or next time, they *accidentaly hack all your roses down.
"Well how was I supposed to know you don't cut them when they are full of flowers, in mid July?"
Yeah right. Like a 5 yr old doesn't know that.
That's the very definition of passive/aggressive behavior.
Ask me how I know - 25 yrs with one. They are like the jealous little dog who can't speak, and so she pees on the carpet to get revenge.
They are like the spiteful, spoiled children who doodle *I hate Mommy* because they've been sent to their room.
Sorry, but I think your friend is going to keep exhibiting these behaviors. Doing your laundry and accidently bleaching or shrinking things. Things will go missing, and she won't have a clue where they went if you ask her. If she makes some mistake, she will always have some great explaination, some justification.
Even you will feel it's you're fault - you are too sensitive. You must be. Everyone else thinks she's wonderful, don't they? She never says an unkind word in front of others, I would bet. She's charming and nice. So it must just be you....
You know, I really hope I'm wrong. But I saw myself in your post. 25 yrs + of *Why did he do that?* then thinking, *Why am I so sensitive* when he had some perfectly rational excuse.
I always thought it was me.
People who love you, real friends... they don't need all the excuses and rationalizations. |
Another Quote: When someone shows you who they are- believe them!- Maya Angelo. This situation is classic narcissicistic aggression barely covered in' gee, I didn't realize...'. Time for therapy with someone who understands boundaries very well. Have your own behaviors lately done something to take away, or kill -off a valued object/feeling of hers? This is unskillful communication at it's worst. Pretending it is unintentional is less than honest and allowing this is likely to give tacit approval to continue this game. With no resolution and possible escallation. Good luck, see someone soon for clarity, alone if you must.
Learning how to refuse to abandon oneself for any reason or person, no matter how much love is there between you is essential to ones health on all levels. Call it self love if you will, but no one can do this for you, after youv'e grown up, other than yourself. And no one can teach others how to treat us as we deserve if we refuse to honor ourselves and show self esteem and self respect for what we value. Gettting clear on boundaries is the adult solution.
Getting angry is the adult version of a response to a wound for a perceived wrong. Getting simply hurt and confused is the child-ish version of confusion over who is responsible for the wound. Which would you prefer to adopt? One makes oneself and others responsible adults, with shared issues but clearly defined boundaries eventually identifiable. The other makes only oneself responsible or the carrier of the feelings alone, with the other somehow not responsible. The victim perpetrator dichotomy is always falsely simple to fall into.
If what you truly felt is perhaps reflecting what she has been feeling,( but has no idea of how to express more skillfully). Then the more adult of the two is more empowered to seek solutions on how would you address these shared wounds, and boundary voilation issues more honestly and effectively?.
Boundaries are the key to all healthy interactions. they dispel confusion and bring sanity to relationships. It takes work and time, but if it is done with intention, anything can be resolved eventually. Read David Richo HOW TO BE AN ADULT for great primer well writen.Good luck to you both. Tingly toes