I spent the past few days in Georgetown, SC with my daughter and her fiance. This is the first time I've been to Georgetown, it is also the first time in forty years I asked for my life to just end and be done with it all. I had a few peaceful moments, but then things would become so overwhelming I would have to take short walk.

We came home yesterday and I wore sunglasses so they couldn't see the tears or the despair in my eyes. I handed my daughter my laptop and told her to finish a game so I wouldn't have to talk. I forced conversation at times so they wouldn't know how hard things are. I even spoke of friends and family that died from suicide and questions bombarded the already overwhelmed mind.

There is a saying when money is gone, the wolf is at the door, well that rascal is past the door and in the house. I gave my truck back, its just a truck, the house will go next unless a miracle happens. We have three weeks to pay and then they can pursue foreclosure if they choose. Its just a house, we can live in my husband's truck if we need. He looks everyday for any type of work and will take less money just to do whatever job is available.
He has a possibility, but when that job will be open is a 'whenever' this is finished and that gets done. I'm tired, just plain tired of life, of waking up with this despair I've had for several years, even when I didn't have financial worries or health issues. I just want relief...blessful peaceful release...

I have been in worse places going through a divorce, being shot at, having to defend myself against assault, taking care of my dying mother, and many other instances. I took each instance and kept on going, this time, the despair is so raw that it is almost a physical pain. I ask God to just stop my heart, let it be done, even though I know this would put more stress on my husband. I also know it is selfish of me to even ask for such a request. He could make it, I think he would go back to Florida then, but there is no guarantee he would have an easier life. The pain of another wife dying might be too much, how selfish I am to consider such a thing.

I haven't thought of ending my life for forty years, I tried and God let me live. It would be easy to take a gun, a rope or overdose and let it be done. Our lives are not our own, they also belong to our family, friends, God and if one is honest, sometimes the devil. I've had a family and friends give up and give in. My father as an eleven year old boy remembers his mother's suicide. What kind of daughter would I be to put him through that as an elderly man? What message am I sending to my grandkids, that the easy way when things are rough is to just end it all? How would my seven year old ever understand how his Nani died? My family would forever be under the stigma that Patricia took her life. How can I do that to them?

I can't, one can find many reasons to give up and give in, but very few to stay. In this despair that is so deep, I don't want to see past anything but relief. I hide the despair, the tears and pain from family, from friends its easy. I don't see my friends unless it is an emergency and they call for me. I will not be able to do that anymore, I have no vehicle.

One can definitely find many reasons to give up, but in the end, one has to find their own reason to stay. The problem is simple, I don't want to stay but I will not put my family through unnecessary pain. Yet, I ask myself, how can I keep going with this deep dark overwhellming despair like a skinny hound in woods with no rabbits for food?

How do I keep struggling to survive when all I want is for it all to end? I have no answers, I only know that physical pain would be relief from this emotional pain so deep that my heart feels like it weighs hundreds of pounds. This stress is affecting my other health issues, and adds more despair and depression. Depression has been my new best friend for several years because of MS...I never had depression even when things were hard, until a few years ago.

One never knows what contribution you make to this world, you probably never will. The cold truth of life is we do the best we can. One has to ask themselves, Who would miss me most or hurt the worse if I left? That answer should lead to this...am I willing to put that person through a few hours, weeks, or months of what I feel everyday?

My answer is easy, I would not want anyone I know to feel for one second the despair and hopelessness I have felt for my entire life. I stay and do the best I can, and I hope you stay and do the same.

It could be worse, this too shall pass, what does not kill you makes you stronger...these are all things I repeat through it all.

It probably will get worse, it needs to get on pass and I sho nuff should be able to hold up Atlas along with all the planets. I will keep staying, surviving best I know how...