COK, Patricia...You are the very definition of a survivor and it's a role no one asks for. I understand how you feel...I and many others on this forum have felt such hopelessness as you are now feeling..struggling to find one damn reason to get up in the morning. You know, so I won't try to tell you, what it would do to your loved ones..the guilt they would carry for the rest of their lives. It's like having ones ace in the hole taken away...
All you can do is what you are doing...continue to continue and know that nothing ever stays the same...it couldn't get much worse..how could you feel worse than you do right now? And it might get better...it probably will get better.

I only had one job in my life and I failed at it. That's a very bitter pill for me to live with but inspite of my wishing it..God hasn't struck me dead.

You have come to the right place to talk about what you are feeling..please know how much I admire you for having the guts to say it.
And remember...you have a lot of company..that black hole has sides.