Twink,Jomar...I take an AD and have since the MS decided to make depression my friend. I do believe that the depression makes things look a whole lot darker, cause I've faced many challenges without blinking more than twice and gettin on with life. This is possibly the worse.

Hockey...my DD has been married previously, my oldest grandson is 19 and I have a younger one(son's) that will be seven on the 18th. He is with me now, he stays on the weekends when he is in school. He also stays with me pretty much during the summer. How would his parents ever explain to him why I was not here, when they would not understand. I've always told my kids when things were not good, that life was still life and living it each day is all we can do...good or bad.

I just can't put anyone I know through the pain, guilt, or questions I've asked because someone decided to end it all.

Alffie...you might not have but that one job, and because of a choice you decide you failed, no matter what the circumstances. We as humans, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents or whatever do not make that choice for anyone. In these roles, we each do the best we can and when someone chooses to end life...one can't always be there to make sure it doesn't happen. I do not consider you a failure, and would smack you for saying so if you were closer. You did not fail, neither did your loved one, it is another aspect of life, a terrible choice to make, but still life.

I thank each of your for your words of support and encouragement, yes it takes a lot for me to speak of it. I am extremely independent, never ask anyone to help or do anything...my mother used to tell me ' pride goeth before a fall.' I never truly understood that message growing up, as an adult I understand. Maybe God is trying to kick the pride out of me, I would guess He's been trying for quite sometime.

I have to go now, my smallest has come back in, I have to smile and play UP with him on his PS2... as I stated, how would he ever understand when I've told him that his life is so precious.