I was balancing my check book,and I started checking everything. Date,check number,and amount. The more I check these amounts,the more I check them out again. Then I forget those digits,and I check,and check till my brains get tied into a knot. (((Typical OCD)))

It's worse when I send bills because I check the letter,the bill amount,and the check behind the bill amount to make sure the check is behind the bill amount. Then I check the check a couple of times. Then I tap my letters shut,on top of licking the glue.

I check my files the same way. The biggy use to be,did I have everything in my whollet.

I'd check,and check,check,and check again. My brain would want to bust after enough checking.

Am I the only one?

Life problems are the same way sort of,so I veg out watching TV,and that seems to help.

Sometimes I have a problem in life,and I try to figure it out,and I make a mountain out of a mole hill. When this happens,I know that I'm going to have two,or three more OCD thoughts like that. (((Gosh)))

When I read,sometimes I'll read a sentence over,and over. When that happens,I have to stop reading because my forehead gets tight.

Junk mail trips me up sometimes. My IQ is ok,but I look at these letters over,and over again sometimes.

I have what I call Religious OCD problems. ((Mostly false condemnations))

I get embarrassed about things. Then these things that I get embarrassed about,just sort of stick in my head,and the thought's get bigger,and bigger.
Then they jump to something else,and then something else,etc.etc.

Then I feel rejection because I'm alone. I feal abandoned from Family. I am. They stay away from me. What am I doing that makes them want to stay away?

Then there are the small panic attacks,and the medium sized panic attacks. People don't enjoy this either.

When they say smile,and the whole world smiles with you,I'm amazed at that kind of shallowness. I mean I'm dealing with a problem that is not scientifically documented as to what it is exactly.

Last night was a bad night. I felt bad,and I mean really emotionally sick,and suicidal,and I reminded myself that this is just temperory. It was more of the way that I felt when I was a teenager decades ago. Why last night? My NP is trying different medications on me. It seems like the more someone tries to help,the more I fail them,but I don't mean to in the lest.

Now It's decades later,and I'm still alone.

There's not much that I've ever been able to do about this fragmented mental health issue. I've talked about the anxiety in my chest,but there are all kinds of problems.

Let me stop here. Some of my posts where so long when I first got on here,that people probably skiped over those posts. BF