It is true we do not really "understand" ... much like my talking about mood extremes to someone who has not had them ... does not understand.

The mortality aspect is another thing as you point out. But I have been hoping your faith will help carry you through that. No matter what happens.

I hope you have found a group of people you can share with who also have cancer and perhaps specifically breast cancer, so that they will understand in a more intimate way. On the other hand, I will say, each person's way of experiencing these things is a little different... so to some degree, each person does face mortality alone.

As for us. Well. We may not be able to stop the process, stop your cancer, any more than i could stop a bus that was able to hit me head on. But i can try to jump out of the way. That is really the difference about facing mortality. I have been in mortal or severer physical danger before but it has been only in split seconds. they were terrifying and obviously i got out. The difference is cancer traps you in those split seconds. It doesn't let you get out. It's a big bus that is perpetually about to run you over. I guess that's the best i can do in terms of analogy.

As for the physical suffering... no i cannot imagine. I have tried. I have tried to imagine putting together all the aspects you've talked about but have not lived it. But I LISTEN, and I TRY. I WANT TO. Just like all of us here.

Sometimes i don't post more because i feel like it's putting pressure on you to post, and i don't want you to have more pressures. But even if i don't / cannot fully understand, i am not sick of you or hearing about your burden and all of the baggage it carries.

Trust me, you are a lot more "sick of your suffering" - coz you are IN IT - than I or the rest of us are. We are available to you. Right along with your support group if you found one. If you have the energy, and if you want to, I would like to have a daily update from you.

It doesn't matter if it sounds like the one from the day before. The fact is two days lived a certain way are different than one day lived that way. 40 days lived a certain way are different than 2 days. See what i mean?

You are a dear person. Please do not push us away for fear of being pushed away.

Please post to us. Talk to us about the mundane the not so mundane, the stitches, the holding of hair, the fatigue, the pain, the fear, the different fears. Tell us all about that perpetually about to hit you bus.

We care about you BJ and we will not get tired of you. I worry when i don't hear from you.

And please hold on to hope, and to your faith. I hope you are not in despair. Are you?



~ waves ~