Hi Pete,

Your story is wrenching and I hope at some point things finally start to fall in place in your favor! You've worked hard and created so much, you need a big chunk of happiness to come your way!! I am most sorry that you are out of contact with your children..I know that leaves a painful hole in your heart, but that could change..please don't give up..

Happy spots?
One of my most happy spots is up the Big Sur River in the Ventana Mountains in Northern Caifornia, even if it's only in my mind..

I used to hike up the river over huge boulders as big as cars..and then finally after about a mile, end up at a crystal clear gorge where the water is pure and you can see down to the bottom (about 15 feet)

another favorite spot....
...if you have ever walked through a redwood forest where the old growth trees are hundreds of years old, you know the feeling of sacredness as you walk silently over the pine needles, and feel the mist fall through the branches to the ferns below.

and another...
...standing at the edge of land, as your feet sink into the sand while the white water of the ocean waves ebb and flow, is an experience that overrides any sadness or conflict you may have in your mind or heart! The power and magnificence of the waves, are larger than my thoughts...

These are things that I love(d) to do..I can no longer hike, but I might be able to ride through the trees on my mobility scooter (just got it a couple of weeks ago) if I can find a little path I can navigate...and I can still be near the ocean but can't hike along the shore.

I work full time and by the end of the day, I drop ! the work week is hard..

My life has changed and I have to figure out new ways to find happiness..i meditate and try to find mindful pleasure in each moment...
I love music, I read...I have become somewhat of a 'loner' in that the chronic and unpredicatble pain make it hard to plan...it's just hard to be around chit-chat, and levity etc. when it hurts!

Frankly, much of the time I feel like a caged bird or cheetah, but it is what it is...
Everything changes and I have to adapt....my expectations have lessened, and I sometime feel like a live in a box....but..everything changes..

Thanks for the thread, Pete!
Please take good care..you have a soulful way of reaching out to people..
hope4thebest