Thread: Introductions
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Old 09-20-2009, 12:12 AM
lifesaver54 lifesaver54 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 30
15 yr Member
lifesaver54 lifesaver54 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 30
15 yr Member
Default Someone told me to check this forum out--

Hi,

I have never actively attempted to end my life. However, suicidal ideation has been a near constant companion for me since I got sick in 2007. To be honest, I am afraid to try because I think I would screw it all up and just make things much worse than they are now.

This illness has taken my career, my independence, my family just really doesn't understand--except for one person. My mother told me that she would never wait on me hand and foot---I never asked for that, so I really wonder how much she honestly loves me with the unconditional love she talks about.

My medical bills are so large and continuing that I feel like a financial burden and my husband somehow cannot bring himself to do more than a perfuntory kiss and a pat on the leg anymore.

On Sept 11, I was diagnosed with Sensory Ataxia and Orthostatic Hypotension--both quite symptomatic and with Trigeminal Neuralgia on July 16. Add in a few other health problems, the Depression and PTSD and I am just plain overwhelmed and don't know what kind of future I have.

I am 55, that in itself is a factor.

I need to find meaning and purpose in my life again. I have some ideas but I don't know if they will work out.

I am on medications, see a Therapist, and do everything I "should" do to me mentally healthy. I didn't struggle with these feelings before I got sick.

More than anything tonight, I wish one of my illnesses was terminal or that I had the guts to end things. But I worry about my family. Then I get mad that I have to worry about them. I wish they would understand. I wish, more than anything, that they would understand.

Thanks for reading---hate to meat anyone under these circumstances, ever.
lifesaver--but some days I sink like a stone.
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"Thanks for this!" says:
Addy (09-22-2009), Alffe (12-08-2009), Burntmarshmallow (09-20-2009), DMACK (12-08-2009), mistiis (09-27-2009)