Thank you all for posting and trying to help, its nice to know that at least some people in the world want to listen.
I've only ever told one person I'm depressed (besides doctors that is). She's the only person who ever made me feel like I was cared for. She was always trying to make me be optimistic, and even got me to start taking meds. But since then I've driven her off; I think she got tired of trying to fix a person that obviously didn't think they could be fixed. And I eventually got sick of trying and stopped taking my meds. It takes too much energy to go to the doctor, get some meds, take them for a while, realize (unsurprisingly) they don't do anything at all, then do it all over again with one of the million other equally useless meds. Besides, I can barley pay rent as it is, without adding the cost of doctor visits and new meds. I long ago gave up hope of getting better.
Anyway....thanks again for listining. I'll try to keep coming back to post.