FYIi: post degenerates after initial paragraphs. topics include suicide.

i don't know how to live like this any more. i mean i just keep on passively letting things go by. been trying to work get work applications in... despite some small hurdles. i know that might change things. but there are so many steps and more steps... and sometimes i stop along the way and cannot explain it. other times i can explain it, and it is an ugly explanation.

i feel abhorrent, my parents are aging, i should be taking care of them instead nobody is taking care of anybody we are at each other's throats most of the time packed like sardines in this apartment. their attitudes towards me are inconsistent and either way hard to take. when i offer help it is refused. told i am too sick to work and many other unkind things, so keeping that a secret from one of them. i wish i had kept it a secret unto myself... i might be more productive on getting those apps out ... that's how it works. as it is, there aren't even very many ads. not like i'm swamped or anything.

today, another conflict and it triggered an old, deep wound and i ended up in a bout of derealization. i took some lorazepam. i felt too weak and senseless to do grounding exercises. i slept a little. i have trying not to use it because i am tapering my other benzo... don't ask me how, but coming off it totally is a long way off.

i just want it all to end. i looked up LD50's of a few things today and the information i needed was inconclusive. i would not attempt something halfway that could leave me maimed. i also would hate to leave my pdoc knowing i used meds he prescribed. anyway, i also have to write a will and establish beneficiaries for one or two things at least. the rest can go, but of course this is all crap anyway, because if i can barely get through translating my resume then how am i going to go and find the right legal format and two witnesses for a will ... i don't even have the freaking means to get out of this place PERMANENTLY. i am of NO USE to my parents. i cause them only grief. it doesn't matter what i do or do not do. and i have been told i do nothing.

not to mention - sorry to bring in religion - i am not catholic but i grew up in vaguely Christian surroundings, Methodist school, and abide by the 2 main teachings of Christ even though i consider myself agnostic because most Christians cannot relate to my concept of God as being like... the whole cosmic thing... it's complicated, and the true fact is, i am uncertain of anything and everything. i feel i am too small a being to "know." by the same token i am still terrified of a possible eternity in flames. or, you know, in Islam, it is the most despicable crime to take your life which is the most precious God-given gift, and the punishment is an eternity... not in hell flames, but reliving whatever suffering/means you employed to die.

and you it isn't as though i actually want to die, either! i just can't see any way out of living like this. i can't see things getting any better. i am not even depressed for crying out loud. but i feel claustrophobic in my own skin and in my own home any more. there is no housing, no subsidies, no nothing for unemployment.

meanwhile i am hating myself more and more as i see my character erode into a more and more dismal hateful ungrateful critical intrusive disrespectful hopeless lazy? incompetent capricious disgraceful BI***.

i wish i were not an "agnostic" and had "true faith." many have told me to act as if... i feel that is only a hypocrisy. true faith helps people be better people when the going gets rough. i feel like i am grasping at thin air. i talk to an impersonal God but still intellectually i am uncertain if i will simply turn to ash when i die despite my spiritual folklorish leanings. And too, how man-made it all is. I stare at portraits of Christ and know he didn't look like that. He wasn't a rosy white man, for one, the way he is often depicted here. I find it upsetting. why can't they respect ethnic origins. The Church upsets me and the Catholic church is one of the most wacky as far as being upsetting.

i am trying to find employment. i have food shelter and clothing, but out of someone else's sense of duty... i am no longer even sure it is true generosity, in fact, there might be some legal crap here by which they have to provide (not sure). still, i am not secure in it. also i have not freedom to go elsewhere - there isn't anywhere else... but the street.

and whenever i contemplate the more permanent solution, i end up where i intuitively i feel it isn't my right to choose when to stop being here, all law and religion aside. but mind you that hellfire and that repeating act thing... those certainly are rather menacing aspects to it all aren't they.

sleep is elusive. who can sleep with all these emotional and spiritual vultures circling constantly. my cuticles are literally a mess of blood. i reduced my benzo but things weren't any better on the higher dose, nor taking lorazepam.

a former therapist used to ask me where i hurt. when i am upset. the parts are, the stomach, the chest, and the throat. especially the throat. the throat is the seat of self-expression and creativity in the chakra system. interesting, considering one of my big problems is my inability to create, to do my art, to express myself... to GET ON WITH LIFE... SOMEHOW.

~ waves ~ wondering when it will end... maybe a brick will fall on my head tomorrow.