Mari,

thank you yes... i have considered a hospital... and this has come in waves. usually it happens without reason at the end of my cycle when i have a natural mood drop. this cycle it didn't. pdoc and i were satisfied - wellbutrin probably helping at this point. today it happened as result of a fight which brought up very deep hurt in me and re-activated a lot of old pain. even tho i wrote frankly about my research, i do not feel in danger because i am such a chicken - about what if i don't succeed and end up worse, and what if i do succeed and end up in hell. so, you see. then, there are the practical aspects that are not done.

if i go to a hospital it will close a good window for job openings. and a JOB will be the real ticket out of this. the problem with the hospital is it is a temporary solution to a problem that will only worsen while my "home" is with my parents and i have no income. the hospital will not let me stay there forever. also i will have no internet access so will not be able to look for jobs... "free" of the eyes of my parents. most in my field are in fact advertised via internet, so that is not good.


I do not feel depressed as such. also i feel more blocked as far as expression than leaky. then again i can write things here - but that's about it. perhaps the problem with the life force is causing aberrations in what is coming out at the top.

thank you very much for the exercises. i think i might be able to get them in unobserved. i hate not having a place to do things. but they sound short enough i could maybe hijack the bathroom for a short time.

I would love to be there, physically. My friend/sister in Orlando keeps telling me to come. but right now for many reasons i will not go into i am stuck here. i would so love to be with her for a while.

thank you for reaching out.

~ waves ~