oh Pam thank you. and for noticing i was gone.

I do see my pdoc every week. he is also my therapist so it is a combination session. i don't know what i will tell him i will tell him some of this though. there is not much he can do for me i fear... we are in agreement that i should not yet go back on Zoloft since i took it for 5 years and stopped in... what Feb? anyway. the brain needs to resettle itself after all that time. later it could perhaps be a good adjunctive to Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin is what i'm on now, and at the worst part of my cycle i was ok. but truly today i was triggered. we really cannot expect the meds to do everything. it's just that we/i am more sensitive. and the trigger was a really deep one... actually hit multiple targets. so when i lose my tenuous footing, just regained... well. i was overwhelmed.

I honestly do not feel this is depression... unless... i am not seeing the forest for the trees?

it really feels more like resistance... a block. and pdoc and i are working on that. also i have had some personal losses lately 2 friends for completely different reasons. one of them however was someone i saw occasionally and... well, i am still confused AND hurt by that. and the fights in the family have been really bad. i am not on equal ground. i bring nothing to this family, you see. so... whenever there is conflict... i always feel like... there's the door... i'm welcome to use it (and go... where?) and then i feel really ungrateful. however, my pdoc agrees that a lot of what goes down in here is really bad for me. that i need OUT of hear ASAP... and a job will do that. the economy is recovering slowly but there is a lot of ageism here... i am trying to chisel away when i can at my prison... have been doing nothing and watching reruns some, sleep is all over... but i have been putting some applications out there. that is really what i need to keep doing, and hope for a stroke of luck, a blessing, a miracle.

i also feel deeply lonely. i do not want to be single but i do not want to be with someone abusive either. any kind of abusive. there are more ways than one can count.

anyway. thanks for the encouragement. i will try to post more. i feel badly i just sort of dropped out.

i am glad you are doing better these days.

~ waves ~