hi guys...

i am here. here i am. alive. and none the worse for wear even though i have to keep reminding myself to breathe (i keep holding my breath, lorazepam already taken and i can't exaggerate).

thank you all. i read each of your posts. i am just in tears - not bad ones, just touched. by every single one. the advice, the hugs, the little notes, every single one of you... thank you.

i probably won't address everything right now. i have too much buzzing in my head.

================ PDOC / PSYCH RESOURCES

oh. about the pdoc potentially notifying parents of suicide risk - that would be legal obligation at his discretion - NOT "passing the buck."

i had a session today. got the time wrong and when i rang to be let in he told me i was early but erroneously confirmed the time i gave him... so i totally broke down. got cleared up but the session was awful. i cannot recover quickly. i am embarrassed about it now. i might have to rehash my emotional reaction with him next time. i am really afraid too.

for the rest. while i trying to get back into one piece and trying to express why this was "such a tragedy" when everything was sorted and "OK now," i told him i was not ok when i arrived and he said he heard it in my voice when i rang up. (well DUHH then. ok never mind.) i started by telling him, "the folks on the forum want me in the hospital, or doing daily therapy type things or group therapy - they don't realize that here the latter two aren't readily available, so that basically leaves hospital/residence." he got very serious looking and asked WHY. i told him all about my downspiral from being triggered and my lookups and conjectures as to methods and my realization that it was all out of the question because i am incapable of getting through some technical issues first (testament), i am afraid of failing (eg end up paralyzed with severe brain damage but lucid), but that ultimately i would be afraid to proceed due to spiritual crises over WRONGNESS and specific religious fears/notions.

he was concerned and said i should still not underestimate this. he suggested a residential solution might not be bad for a while if we could meet certain conditions (need internet access to look for work.)

afterwards, i wondered, does that mean he would be "dumping me" onto the residence? is that what he wants... i don't know. but really i think he was thinking in terms of the residential facility his clinic runs - next door to the inpatient facility i went to before. i would be able to still meet with him there. but i have these doubts that he wants me to go to my local one... and about doing so.

i may make an appointment at the state center where i get my exemption. that would be doing something different. the pdoc who interviewed me for my exemption was very kind. i liked her. now if only i could remember her name. and say my pdoc is unavailable for some time and i am having problems.

i would love to talk to my old tdoc. but she is not comfortable doing phone with me. she is in California. that is 9 hours time difference and a privacy problem since i have to talk from home - cell would be too expensive and i could only pay for a few mins a month. hmmm. a friend bought me a phone card. i wonder if it works with cell. but still does not resolve the not face-to-face bit. she is a very soothing person. i think of her a lot. i wonder if she is still alive as she was rather elderly when i left.

================ MEDS

i figured out some things. i need to keep the coffee down EVEN if i'm so tired it hurts and i (still) can't sleep. it WOULD be helpful to take Zyprexa. however, as i am under benzo reduction, it would be imprudent. so, as of tonight, i raised my other mood stabilizer (Depakote) from 800mg to 1000mg. i will call pdoc tomorrow to report/verify this action. If he feels Zyprexa will not be too great a sz risk with the benzo reduction, i may do that instead. I think it would be much more effective and faster... on the other hand Depakote will not throw mondo kilos (and i mean KILOS (1kg = 2.2lbs!!!) on me at the speed of light, like Zyprexa will. The way i am i would need it for a 7-10 days. that would be a 5 kilo gain most likely. YES, THAT FAST.

============== PARENTS / SUPPORT

i was quaky tonight and my parents know i was looking at med interactions and that i am in the midst of changes. i had told them 2 weeks ago when i started reducing the benzo (before the fights, btw) that i might be b****ier than usual due to it... but my pill dosages are not something easy for them to be mindful, esp. if i seem "ok" most of the time. (i should put a henna mark on my forehead as a reminder or something! )

but now, tonight, when i said the Zyprexa word to my mother - she knows that's the big guns, ya know? so i think they both get that i am going through something here. i told them emotional hypersensitivity and inability to work through things emotionally as quickly as usually (things hang on me) and said i really could not explain and i was sorry.

my mother actually came out to blow me another goodnight kiss after i had already been by their room for the nightly exchange. and she said we are going to sleep now, but if you need anything wake us up. and she is sick with a cold too. that was very nurturing of her. unusually so. so she knows i am really NOT OK.

i am scared of talking to pdoc i feel so weird about today and so afraid about everything.

then. heck. breathe. ok.

========================= JOB

oh. job. yes. i want to address this. this is the #2 priority for me right now. (#1 is feeling as ok as i can as much as possible, which includes getting sleep whenever that happens to be.)

pdoc is on same page as me regarding my having a job... having a job will help me more than it will hurt me. we have spent many sessions on this. the longer i am unemployed the more terrible and worthless i tend to feel, and it is increasingly terrifying too, to know that my marketability erodes as more time slips by.

ok, pdoc actually suggested residence because he wonders if my home situation could be emotionally toxic to the point of preventing me from breaking through on the job front. the hunt is activated / suspended intermittently based on situation: migraines/consistent mood disturbance (i do not send apps), the economy (no suitable offers), or lack of response when i HAVE sent apps.

right now there is an offer out there which is a really good fit for me. i can manage to interview - tweaked with lorazepam and caffeine if nec. -and negotiate the start date for later on (they need someone by end of year).

well. that's the report here. now it is 3am and i think i will try to sleep.

thank you all so much for being here for me.

~ waves ~ grateful for your keeping me afloat