Waves,
I'm glad that you are alive.
This counts. I mean that.
It is kind of you to respond to us. But maybe it is helpful for you too.
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oh. about the pdoc potentially notifying parents of suicide risk - that would be legal obligation at his discretion - NOT "passing the buck."
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Yes, I understood that. I felt maybe there was a trust issue or maybe that he did not have resources to send you that were a level up from what he has to offer you during the appts.
But it doesn’t matter now, because it does seem that you got clear with him – to the degree possible to get with any one.
. . . Interesting that you mentioned us. Perhaps it was good that you shared the feedback you were getting from here. You have a a team on your side.
Remember that.
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i cannot recover quickly. i am embarrassed about it now. i might have to rehash my emotional reaction with him next time. i am really afraid too.
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This sounds so hard for you. Sorry.
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i told him all about my downspiral from being triggered and my lookups and conjectures as to methods and my realization that it was all out of the question because i am incapable of getting through
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Yes. This was an important conversation to have. I hope that you understand that I can’t really respond regarding your research and such – it’s something I can’t talk too much about – one of my issues – one of my things / triggers I guess. I do hear you.
This is good that you are making plans for residency – you might not need the services because you might come to a turn around with the mood but you can make specific plans about the facility and the resources. While you are clear head as much as you can be and while you have him to talk to. And it seems you still want more information.
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the pdoc who interviewed me for my exemption was very kind. i liked her. now if only i could remember her name. and say my pdoc is unavailable for some time and i am having problems.
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Good! A second option if necessary . . .I'm happy to know that you met a kind pdoc.
The told pdoc in CA
might be worth a phone call if you can arrange it. But if the logistics and so forth did not work, you might be disappointed and not better off. Still, go with your gut.
OK. Now that you have figured out the caffeine situation, stop drinking it for now.
Hold on. You mentioned benzos in the last post too. Are you going through a med change (and a benzo reduction at that) ?? Whoa. Yuck.
I feel comfortable about the raised Depakote. And do confirm with the pdoc.
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it WOULD be helpful to take Zyprexa. however, as i am under benzo reduction, it would be imprudent. so,
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I guess I do not know anything about Zyprexa and about what it can't go with benzos. It's ok. I'll catch up. Lowering benzos can risk seizures so in your mentioning Zyprexa I'm guessing seizure risk is relevant.
Regarding parents:
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but my pill dosages are not something easy for them to be mindful, esp. if i seem "ok" most of the time. (i should put a henna mark on my forehead as a reminder or something!)
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I think for most of us, the dosages / tweaks / changes are not easy for folks who live with us to keep up with unless we practically write it down for them because we do go through many dose changes that are not too big deal (for them
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most of the time. . . . . all the more reason to point out to them
that this is a big deal this time. . . and that you need them to be attuned to you.
A henna mark would work. So would would wearing a sign or taping one to the wall.
I looked this up. I'm weird. 'Scuse me.
http://india.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_indian_bindi
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The bindi is usually placed between the eyebrows, the location of the sixth chakra or energy center. It is called ajna and said to be the “seat of concealed wisdom” and the exit point for spiritual energy. Applying a bindi in this ajna spot is supposed to strengthen concentration and retain energy. The bindi is also said to ward off the evil eye in the form of demons or bad luck.
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I'm going to interpret this to mean that the mark offers a degree of protection -- never mind that I did not exactly spend time on a big search -- But I can ascribe meaning to a mark if I want to.
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but now, tonight, when i said the Zyprexa word to my mother - she knows that's the big guns, ya know? so i think they both get that i am going through something here.
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Your mother coming out of her room shows that she gets it -- a least to a degree.
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i am scared of talking to pdoc i feel so weird about today and so afraid about everything.
then. heck. breathe. ok.
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This was a good talk you had with him.
It was important.
'OK to feel weird and afraid.
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Yeah, I can see how in families that have someone one who uses Zyprexa, the word can bring the situation into focus in case the family member has not been listening real hard.
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ok, pdoc actually suggested residence because he wonders if my home situation could be emotionally toxic to the point of preventing me from breaking through on the job front.
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Does he think that the toxic environment is keeping you from moving forward? That you are
blocked? Is "blocked" the right word? Maybe "blocked" is not strong enough but is it descriptive?
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- tweaked with lorazepam and caffeine if nec. -and negotiate the start date for later on (they need someone by end of year).
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Hey, this sounds like a plan -- to negotiate a start date for later.
And keep doing what you are doing to keep yourself afloat. You are going through heroic struggles. Keep giving yourself permission to breathe.
Mari