hi everyone. wow. already answered me. thanks.

i just woke up. i think i slept better than usual. i think between the lorazepam and the extra depakote.

i want to say, yes it does help to write things out here because it helps me collect my thoughts. and at the same time it presents them to all of you who might have feedback - as indeed some of you do. but i know even if you do not have ideas, that you "hear" me in a way that others do not, so that alone is helpful.

just a few observations to clarify things i said:

benzo's and caffeine are "compatible." they work differently. they do have different effects. i did NOT intend taking them simultaneously! one OR the other as needed. However, in a pinch, caffeine can help if you get too sedated by a lorazepam peak, and viceversa, lorazepam can counteract jumpiness from excess caffeine. realize i am always under benzo effect (daily 2mg of delorazepam (n/a US) and i do drink coffee.

My PDOC IS ALSO MY THERAPIST - SAME PERSON.

i see him EVERY WEEK, for an hour.

there may be exceptions - eg he is on vacation/away or one of us is ill.

CLINICS and old TDOC:

1. pdoc's clinic.
he works in the clinic/hospital where i had been inpatient. it has a separate residential program in which he does not work. however, i met a pdoc while inpatient that works there, and i thought she was on the ball (and nice) - i could request her as my admitting physician.

i love the grounds. i even ran there (pre-injury). it was autumn so it was gorgeous. there was a niche in a far corner of the garden and i would drag a chair there to sit alone, or play guitar / sing sometimes. i felt free to do that because i was not causing disturbance. (quite frankly i also played IN the clinic a few times and had quite an accolade on those occasions by both patients and nurses that were around. LOL)

problem: at the time i lived in a different town. the hospital was not even real close to that town. from here, it is 3-4 hours away. that makes it difficult to come home and get a change of clothes etc. i do not believe they have internet if they allow dialup i cannot afford it, but anyway they did not while i was there. ok, i could make a weekly run home, change/wash clothes, and download job ads (like there's not more than 3-4 new ones per week that i'm qualified for anyway). do any custom writeups offline at the residence, and send off following week from home/parents'.

but what if someone wants to interview? then the travel time to get to the interview could make planning problematic.

2. state clinic. this is the same place as the "local clinic" i referred to where i got my exemption and met the nice pdoc. they are not 2 separate places. and there is a residential program there. it would be much closer to me (20 mins) but i am afraid if i go there, i will "lose" my pdoc. i am afraid of discussing this with him.

3. California tdoc (NOT PDOC - she is an MS in counseling). i already DID talk to her several years ago about phone counseling when i was in a tizzy. she said she would let me know but did not hear back, however she had already pretty much made clear she was not for it.

==========

being blocked. my pdoc doesn't think i'm blocked... he knows it... because i finally got it through to him (it was hard). i have a resistance problem. about doing anything. that includes job hunting, clearing up, showering, singing, creating, leaving the house, just about freaking anything. this is exacerbated hugely (but not created) by being with parents and having no privacy. this is somewhat toxic.

the toxic aspect is more about their arguing very loudly (with each other), the emotional triggers here, the sense of obligation/expectation whether it is there or not, the mixed signals about acceptance/resentment of my illness(es), my space, my rights, my limitations, my abilities, etc, and often when i am in the job application phase, the grand slams "so, you really plan on doing this job if you get it? you couldn't hold the other ones. you should forget about getting a job until you are well" - i withdraw... here there is not just a block in play but pain. and i get emotionally paralyzed which is different than my "regular" problem.

i think trying to explain further without sending you a 2 week candid camera of what goes on here would not be of further help.

ok those are my thoughts for now. and plenty. i am so longwinded.

now i am wondering what bindi design i can put on my forehead to indicate benzo withdrawal... a B? a nice OM symbol, perhaps (not to be confused with ohm/omega). dunno about interviewing with that either however.

oh. it's after 11. i can call pdoc about the meds. he will have finished rounds.

thanks for all the support. i will keep doing best i can.



~ waves ~