I think I could handle all of my other problems a lot more easily if there was just one person who wanted to be with me. I don't need a huge group of friends, I just need one person that I'm truely important to. I feel like everyone I've ever known has only spent time with me to kill some time until they could meet the people they really want to be friends with. I don't add anything of value to anybodies life. I'm easily replacable.

I can't say I blame them. I'm way too damaged by life to be fun. I'm a college student. I live in a college town, and the favorite passtime of everyone in a college town is: Getting as drunk as possible, as often as possible. Now, both my grandfather and my mother were alcoholics. And because I've seen what alcohol does to people, the thought of people willingly drinking themselves into a stuper actualy phisically hurts me. It hurts me so bad it makes me sick to my stomach when I'm around it. This is one of the ways I drove away my one and only friend. I can't understand why people want to be corrupted by booze, and she thought I was judging her because of how much she drinks, but I only worry about her because I love her so much. After a while she just cut me out of her life. She traded me for the rest of her drinking buddies.

The sad thing is, she used to really care about me. When her asshole boyfriend dumped her after two and a half years of dating, I was her only friend. She called me every night, crying, because she needed someone to talk to. That was the closest to happiness I've ever been. She's the only person who has ever made me feel important, and in the past three years, those were the only days when I didn't hope and pray for death. Because she needed me to be alive. But eventually she was corrupted by the college scene just like everybody else. She discovered that if you drink enough, you'll be too drunk to feel sad, and she didn't need me anymore

Anyway, that's my rant. Just a tiny yet complicated piece of why I'm so screwed up today. I was looking for purity in a corrupt world, and every time the world dissapointed me, it made me hurt worse and worse, until finally I gave up hope. If I don't get my hopes up it hurts less when I am inevitably let down.