Sandy,

I agree with what Debbie has said.

It sounds like your mom already had a difficult personality. Being in control is often a mind condition more than a choice. It can be moderated by those with sound brains but can be overbearing when the brain begins to fail.

If she is/was a perfectionist ( as it sounds like she is/was) her frustrations are becoming all the more prominent as she has lost some of those abilities to achieve perfection.

I have been a perfectionist for most of my life. Sometime, in my mid adult life, I came to realize how negative my perfectionism was on others around me. I made some choices to try to let go of some of my perfectionism. Now that I have serious cognitive disabilities, there is no way I could maintain being a perfectionist. It is very frustrating but fortunately, my prior change has prepared me to let go further.

Your mom may still feel like she has to be the over-achieving, perfectionist mom with her children as this was her life with them/you. The sooner she realizes the stress she is causing the better. Life will only get tougher. She may have lost some of the judgment making parts of her brain. It is not uncommon for a brain injury/disease survivor to lose specific mental skills.

If she will go and be assessed by a neuropsychologist, do everything to help her get this assessment. If you have recorded her outbursts and other problems, the neuropsych can discuss them with her.

A good neuropsych assessment can pinpoint the "fact" that her brain is not processing or responding to stress or confrontation properly. If the neuropsych can explain this to her understanding, she may be able to accept that she has this disability.

You would then need to determine how to work with her when she misbehaves. A code word can be agreed on that helps her realize that she is starting into this prohibited behavior. One family I know of uses "popcorn." I think it is great as when you pop pop-corn, the kernels pop at their own random timing. The only way to stop them is to remove the heat.

This is like the popping of your mom's responses. The only way to stop it is to drop the subject, remove yourselves from the environment, or what ever is the trigger of the outburst.

I have learned to get up and walk away from the conversation, if I can. My wife can tell when my frustration limit is being challenged and will distract me or lead me away.

When a neuropsych assessment diagnosed this propensity, I was able to better accept it as a problem that "I" had to deal with. Before, I considered it to be a problem for those around me to deal with.

If she comes to live with you, this will only get worse. "She" will need to make some major behavioral choices so as to not disrupt your home life. Assisted living facilities can often handle these issues as they are common with one of the stages in Alzheimer's Disease. You can not do anything without her serious cooperation and change.

If she can find a place to live that has transportation options that do not depend on you, that would be beneficial. She will likely feel more independent relying on paid staff than being dependent on her daughter who she feels is subordinate to her. Subordinating herself to her children is a big and difficult step.

btw, Have you checked into Senior services in her area? They often have social workers who are highly skilled in these areas.

My best to you as you struggle with this situation.