Welcome to this big group of caring people. We're here for you. We understand.

Yes, that does happen. Some painwrecked people do take their lives out of protest I guess, by the way their providers have made them feel.

Most of the time when a patient walks away from a visit feeling helpless and screwed, you usually are at that point, to the extent that provider can affect you.

It happens... It's happened to a lot of us for different reasons. I know how the confusion and helplessness can hold you back from healing too.

I don't know your case history here, and it's probably over my head, but you may need to go to a different area perhaps to find quality care. Pain patterns can change. I've found that it seemingly takes change to change things. no quick fixes. no magic...

You are being honest about your "sucidial ideation." Again, many of us here understand.

http://www.google.com/search?source=...g-sx6g-s1g-sx3

I think if you're in enough pain and MOST things aren't going well for you because of the combined effects of your sufferings, for a long time, and you are feeling that hopeless, depressed and down-trodden mental state that you're describing, and painwrecked on top of it, anyone could become vulnerable to having a sucidial ideation. It's certainly not uncommon. You're not alone. Not a good thing. Once that taboo realm is broached, it isn't "bad" any more in the sense/way "healthy" people think of suicide. squeamish at the thoughts of it At a weak, dark and low point/moment of desparation, I think it can become an option to consider, albeit ever so final!!!!!!

Had it not been for your unhealthy state here, I don't think you would be having those thoughts. Don't be too hard on yourself. Suffering is bad.

You're reaching out, so I know there's hope. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Get some postive things going on in your life.

here are some links to get you started...

http://www.tarlovcystfoundation.org/...nformation.asp

Depression:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum37.html

Chronic Pain:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum10.html

and thank you for not taking your own life...

no question is too silly here. (just don't put anything on the internet you wouldn't want he whole world to see.)

Feel free to PM me if you want.

Hang in there...