Another bad day for me....

Soon I'll have dropped out of college. It takes so much time and effort and MONEY. No matter how hard I try I can't get interested in any class or desired profession. There's no point in kidding myself any longer, I'm just making my life harder and more stressful. Besides, there's no point in throwing money away for something I don't want.

Everyone thinks all of my problems would just go away if I would get a full time job, as if making me take steps toward a future would somehow make me want to live to see it. Nobody understands that I CAN'T get a full time job, I just don't have the energy. I can barely force myself to do my current part-time job, and I just got cut back to less than ten hours a week. But no normal person will ever accept this as an excuse, they'll just convivce themselves that I'm lazy and a loser, they won't accept the fact that I hate life so much that I'm not willing to take steps to make it last longer. I guess it's easier to judge me than it is to admit some people's lives aren't worth living.

I actually put a gun to my head this afternoon. I don't think I was going to pull the trigger, but it was somehow comforting to know that I easily could if I really wanted to.

Thank you for being the only people who will listen and understand.