thelonely1, you are absolutely not alone. Although this is an online forum, there are many people who are ready and willing to communicate with you in whichever way you find easiest/most comfortable. If you are at that point that you feel your death by your own hands is close, you will have someone to confide in or someone who can help with talk therapy and/or medication, if you will just ask or reach out your hand.

About the gun -- unless it is absolutely necessary for "self protection" (and I'm conflicted about using that phrase), then you need to asked a trusted family member to secure this weapon in a lock-box which you cannot access alone.

Sorry. This may sound harsh, but you may need to face up to some facts that are not pleasant or comforting. PTer (on the old Brain Talk forum) was ever so loving and generous in his willingness to help me and others on the forum. To this day, I clearly remember his advice to "sit-on-my-hands." May sound simplistic at this point in your life, but I promise you that this technique will work time and time again. I will try to find an in depth study and will post to you if I can find it.

I had a grandmother who died by suicide, and I myself tried and would have died but for the grace of God.

thelonely1, numerous people are here who will listen, will understand, and will care about you. Please, please draw on your inner strength, come here so that family members will be able to support you, help to fortify you, give you sound advice, and care for your heart and soul. You don't ever have to be alone if you can just work every day, even just a little bit, to let people here know you and you to know/trust us.

((thelonely1)) You are in my thoughts and prayers, from my *heart,
reyn