(((thelonely1)))) I am very grateful that you responded to Alffe and reyn with your "thanks"... because it told me you are still here....

I seriously care and pray that you will be able to gather the strength from our dear wise friends, Alffe and reyn.... they have been where you are AND they have lost loved ones... they know the pain from both sides and have shared this with us for years....

I truly hope you find solace here in our forum... it is a safe place...

I hate it when I suffer the desperate headspace that you are in right now.... but one thing has always kept me afloat and that's knowing that I can and will get better because I've done it many times. Each time it gets a little easier to dig out of that hole.

My sister was suicidal her whole life until her daughter's boyfriend died. She loved him like a son and suffered a great loss... in losing him, she realized she could never make her loved ones suffer from taking her own life. So, she's a survivor.

I hope you're hanging on - and sincerely pray that you will keep trying to find the right medication and therapy to help you through this.