Thank you Blue. I'm sorry you feel that way so often too. I do too... too often. i wish i knew how not to "fall into it." it's bizarre, isn't it?

Thanks Mari. Yeah i am not so sure about embracing the feeling... it is already pervasive. It is the kind of thing one doesn't want to end up "wallowing in" or you drown. It is morning now (actually i slept right past morning. it is 12.30pm). And i woke up sobbing after some weird dream.

Dear BiziYes you are right. He would not want me to feel that way, and it is about him. But i don't feel any better for it. I frequently experience these kinds of disappointments (word describes an appropriate reaction) as abandonment - an excessive reaction.

i know it isn't my friend's fault. i am not mad at him. but already i am getting scenarios of avoiding him next week to avoid another such incident. sigh. part of me knows it is dumb. the other part of me is just desperate to avoid these feelings.

had i had urgent need to talk, i believe he would have been there - at least for a little bit. but i didn't have "urgent need" for anything and he did. so i tried to behave, and not take advantage of him by whining, and just let him go.

and now here i am again... I HATE THIS!!!

The psych explanation is that these events because they mirror childhood events when i had unmet needs. Great! So i wish the psychs could go one further and tell me how to get myself out of this funk.

I can't afford dialectical behavior therapy. Even assuming i could find a specialist here - i can't afford ANY therapy. I can either i take what i get for free, or nada, zip, zilch.



Thanks guys for being here for me.

~ waves ~