after a restless nights sleep, I do feel better. The family didnt wait at the hospital for my DH as promised. He showed up, and found all had gone. The nurse asked him if he would like to sit with his dad, and he said yes. (i was so glad he did) he said he talked to his dad about several things he should have said while he was alive (i didnt say I told you so) and he stayed for a 1/2 hour. He drove to his moms house where all the bro's and sis' were, and their spouses. When he was asked "where is your wife?" he said he was a bit short and said "she is home, where she can rest until we can figure out what to do. There is no need to drag here her to sit in a corner while we talk this out. thats unfair to her." He said one of his brothers started to make a comment, and he simply interupted him and said "dont! you have no idea what you are talking about." and moved on.

At first I did feel guility that I didnt jump in the truck and off we go, but 3 days is a long time to wait for someone elses family to make plan, laugh giggle with each other, lean on and support each other. I think its better that they do that with each other, and not have my DH constantly worried about me. Is it too hot? too cold? is she tired? hungry? comfortable? this way, I am home safe, and he can let go and just be with them. I have friends who are going to drive me the 2 hours to the family the day of the service, and I will stay over night for the funeral the next day. Then my DH and I will come home together. I am simply not able to drive 2 hours. I can drive 2 blocks! not not 2 hours.

I was there for him when he was alive. I gave him his injections, and made sure he had appointments with great specialists, and pulled strings to get him in a better home that was close enough for momma to walk to. No begging for rides. He didnt end up in the welfare nursing home in the big city, he was in the "rehab" center in the country. I feel I did my level best for him while he was here. We even offered to take him into our home, but the other family refused, because we live so far away. In the end, its up to them to make their plans, and peace with him. I did all I could, now its time for me to step back, and not be part of it.

Its been a long time coming, and he was so angry! He fell a month ago, and broke his hip, and that caused him t be bed bound, and in diapers. I think that was the final straw for him. He simply became quite angry, disappointed, and realized that no one was taking him home. I pray he finds the peace in death, that he wasnt able to find in life.

Thanks for all the support.