Hi Everyone,

sorry havent been able to update or log in, dads back in hospital. =/ He was readmitted 3 days later after. He was discharged on Monday, but on Wednesday, he had vomitted four times through the day. We wanted to bring him back to hospital but he refused. It was very painful, seeing him in great pain, curling up, moving here and there, but we couldn't do anything. He only relented and allowed us to bring him back in on Thursday morning, as he vomitted even mouthfuls of drinks he took.

so have been literally spending 12 hours in hospital everyday by his side, as he wants people by his side now. Even if he didn't, I can't bear leaving his side as I really don't know whats up next.

am mentally and physically tired out, vented out my frustrations to a friend on Fri night, just couldn't stop crying. It hurts me to see dad in pain, and it hurts me to know that psychologically, he wants to end it all.

Its been a roller coaster, the doctor did an endoscopy on Friday morning, and managed to put in a food tube, this time leading directly to his small intestines, hoping that he can tolerate food this time round. We tried feeding him late afternoon the same day through the tube, and all was well except that dad kept complaining he's very full, even though we had only fed him 50ml of ensure. The nurses attributed it to the fact that its the first time he's having it through the tube so we didnt think too much of it.

The next day, on Sat, at 5pm just before we fed him, we tried aspiration. This time, we pulled out 450mls of black liquid, which shocked all of us. The doctor was called in, and the look on dad's face when he saw all that was pulled out broke my heart. There was blood in the liquid, which caused the black color, which also meant that its stale blood.

So feeding was stopped again, and we just kept drawing out liquids for the next few sessions (3hrs in between each).

Docs aren't sure what caused the internal bleeding, but since today, dad has resumed feeding, to try it out again. We're hoping that the bleeding was caused by the tube insertion and has cleared up. If this time round it doesnt work, it means dad will have to be put on drips and not have any food even through the tube.

Social worker came and tried to talk to mum and dad about the idea of hospice care, and this time round, dad was amazingly quite open to it. We visited two of the hospices, and chose one for dad. However we do not plan on admitting him just yet, want him home after his discharge this time round, unless the food tube fails.

Most importantly, all I want for him now is for the pain to be lessened, for him to be saved, and to know that Jesus loves him.

thank you everyone for all your prayers, I'm sure they're working somehow. And thanks for all your support and concern, I'm still sane!! Lol. Just need to let it out somehow I guess. Am seeing my neuro tomorrow, he's gonna try some treatments on me, discussing with him tmr. He disagrees with what the other neuro said about it being psychological, so he's a godsend. I nearly had a fall just now again, while getting into the car. Legs just gave way. Luckily mum held on to me. Weird how they give way. Two nights ago, the tendon or nerve near the butt cramped while I was walking and it was so awkward. Lol. Limped to the pavement in the hospital carpark, sat down and tried to stretch it. Took quite a while.

Anyhow, I'm really sorry I cant catch up with all the news here, am soo tired. Lol. Hands cramping up, needa go sleep soon. *hugs everyone* miss all of ya. Thank u so much!!