I still have so much guilt. I have been told over and over I shouldn't. Part of me can even see the logic in why I shouldn't. But it eats at me every day.

I love the booklet ((Alffe)) and the part about guilt hit home for me. I also liked this ....

“Guilt is what we feel
when we place our
anger where it doesn’t
belong—
on ourselves.”

Goes right along with what you are saying ((Addy))
............

......"If they were the one closest to the deceased then
they theorize, “I should’ve known exactly what was going on
in their mind.” If they were distanced from that person, they
feel, “If I’d only been closer to them...” Well, you can’t all
be to blame, can you? Isn’t it far more logical that none of
you are responsible?

Well, then who is? The simple truth of the matter is that
only one person is responsible for any suicide: the victim. But
that’s a tough pill to swallow, so instead of ascribing responsibility
to our suffering loved one, we nobly sacrifice by taking
it on ourselves."
.....................

That is me in a nut shell. Everyone tells me I was the closest one to Dad.
I feel it is true in my own heart as well. I KNOW they are trying to make me
feel better, let me know how deeply we loved each other. But, I know that!

What they can't see, is by telling me this over and over, the guilt gets deeper and deeper...
because damn it, I should have known! And it just kills me that I didn't...