Hi :-)

I have Chronic Carotidynia, which is part of a larger vasculitis that is going to be investigated soon. Basically, the wall of my carotid artery, where it bifurcates in my neck (right about where you feel your pulse), gets very inflamed. It's like I get an attack of inflammation, which can last months, and it swells out like a big golf ball. It's very painful on the outside of my neck and inside of my throat, like strep throat painful, and often into that side of my mouth. It feels like an ice pick is stabbing into my ear, all the way to that place in my throat, also. This causes inflammation in the rest of the arteries in my head, and also the whole "malaise" thing, and fevers, and the difficulty eating/digesting food (because of the vagus nerve and also the pain) and it also inflames a number of the cranial nerves and other nerves in my head and face. Over time, the muscles of my forehead have completely quit working (no need for botox, here!), and my eye muscles are too weak to use well. I have retinal issues, and have had a few bouts of optic neuritis, also. The tissues surrounding my eyes get inflamed (internal tissues), and my eyes get very light sensitive and constantly very painful. I can't look to the right without extreme stabbing pain in that eye. I don't produce tears any more, either. The right eye has almost continual stabbing pain during an attack - so, most of the time. My eyes don't track well, either. It has also caused Chronic Hemicrania headaches, which are also called ice pick headaches. They are like an ice pick stabbing from the base of the back right side of my skull, through to my ear and eye. Sometimes the whole thing happens on the left side, but only briefly. I get "bruising" between my eyes and temples, too. Then, I also have bilateral Meniere's Disease as a product of this, with constant tinnitus and balance issues, and hearing loss. I end up really weak, with difficulty organizing or planning, and fatigued. You probably understand most of this, because they kept investigating me for MS because of most of these symptoms. The rest of the vasculitis causes weakness and bruising in my upper arms, and very weak hands, and then I lose sensation in my hands and feet, as well as bruising on my legs and ankles. Also, I've had blood in my urine for more than 20 years, now, so it is affecting my kidneys (I reacted to the dye they used for the kidney scans, so they never completely evaluated that). And, I have some long-standing cardiac problems that may or may not be related.

I made my peace with the extraordinary and nearly constant pain in my head after about 7 or 8 years, but it's been the malaise and lack of ability to organize that has been my biggest challenge. And, the loss of the use of my eyes, of course. I was always kind of a driven person, and I never held still, and I was always on top of everything -- housework, job, everything. And, I was ALWAYS very athletic. I never realized how much of my identity was tied into being that person. I still have the habit of enlarging my functional life when I'm not having an attack, and making too many plans or commitments, so when it hit, it would always get me down.
Now, I've learned to separate the functional, mechanical bits from the emotional stuff, and I just make a new plan, and I have learned to let go of the things I can't manage, no matter what that means. I don't look at the ultimate costs of not being able to accomplish what I need to accomplish any more, but instead I just try to find things to do that I can do with my time, and to find the adventure in my life, as it is. Like you said, day to day :-). I figured out that I can spend each or every day being frustrated or miserable, or spend them being happy regardless, and either way, the days still pass, so I might as well find the joy and happiness, because this IS my life. (It seems that makes me a better person to be around, too, according to my very patient husband).

I don't talk about my medical issues much, except (rarely) with very close friends or family. This is simply "who I am", now. It's like being short or tall or left-handed or right-handed. I don't feel right about having an identity based on "being limited", especially because, unlike more commonly understood diseases like MS or lupus or others, people aren't going to understand it anyway, and then they don't know how to react with that about me. (I am simply who I am, *regardless* of my challenges.) That's why it is really nice to hear about/from the people on this board. Sometimes I feel like a "club with one member", and it is good to know that there are others out there who also get up every day and have these kinds of unique challenges to work with :-). Not that I wish pain and dysfunction on anyone, but it is nice to share with and hear from people who I feel like I can understand.

Thank you for asking -- I know I ended up writing much more than you asked about.