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BJ · 11-08-2009, 10:31 PM

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, primarily because I haven’t been feeling well as usual.

I debated sharing this publicly, and ultimately decided to go for it. This isn’t just about talking about how I stay hopeful and positive. It’s also my way of dealing with the challenges of going through this event in my life alone, and if I am to be completely healed, I need to also be completely raw and honest about everything I’m experiencing.

So, I am taking a few moments to just “let it all hang out” and let the chips fall where they may.

The last few days have taken their toll on me, both physically and mentally. It’s been more difficult than usual to maintain my positive attitude. There are two reasons for this.

One reason is that the physical pain from these Neupogen shots is exhausting me. It is unrelenting. On the bright side, it does change every day, it moves around, it doesn’t stay in one place, it could be my back/spine or my hips. I was hoping that after the last chemo I wouldn’t need them but my neutrophils were almost zero so I have to have them again.

But it is tiring. My days seem to be separated into 4 hour segments. Every 4 hours, I get to take pain medication. The clock rules my life for the moment. I get two and a half hour segments of near relief.

Then, as the pain medication starts to wear off, there’s an hour of “clock watching” pain. This is the hour I dread the most. It’s the hour I argue with myself about whether I can safely ignore the instructions on the bottle and just go ahead and take the meds early. This hour is the worst. The pain is sharp and insistent. As much as I try to ignore it and pretend it isn’t there, it makes sure I’m well aware of its presence.

It’s the hour when I discover myself and find out whether or not I’m really as tough as I think I am. I play a little game with myself that my tdoc recommended in that hour. It’s called “You Are Above This”.

And then there are the emotional challenges I’ve been facing in the last few days.

It’s funny how I think back on my life and my relationship with my breasts since I grew them. When I was a young girl, I thought a lot about my breasts. How big would they be? Would they be attractive? What would they look like? I dreamed of having big breasts. I wanted them so badly that I used to try every silly exercise I heard of to try and make them bigger. I stuffed my bra. I tried everything. But my breasts didn’t cooperate with me and I inherited my family’s tendency towards small breasts.

I realize now where I went wrong as a teenager. Instead of wishing for larger breasts, I should have been praying to have two of them. My priorities were skewed. I would love to turn back time and pray for two healthy breasts, regardless of size.

For the past few days, I find myself getting teary eyed when I see a woman in a magazine or on television who has two lovely breasts, regardless of size. I just have this unrelenting fear that eventually I’m going to lose one, or both, like my mom and I’m going through all this for nothing.

My tdoc told me about Dr. Wayne Dyer…”You are above this’. He speaks of this concept a lot, and his voice is my referee for this game I'm trying to play in my head. I focus on the sound of his voice saying “You Are Above This” every time I feel like crying.

It’s my own personal mantra that reminds me that I can do this. I can be strong. I can choose peace. I can find my Happy Place if I look a little harder.

I am above the pain.
I am above the sadness.
I am above the grief of loss.
I am above the anger.
I am above the fear.
I am above THIS.

Above the pain there is healing. Above the sadness and grief, there is happiness. And that is where I want to exist. I want to be only there, not where I’m at right now, longing for my life, longing for my mom, my brother or even my dad.