Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicknerd
Desertflower, I totally disagree with you, re. your doubts! You DO have talent! It's like when I went to the store that night. We catagorize everything. We set up ideals and paradigms of what's good, what's bad, what's beautiful, what's not, what's interesting, what's mundane, but they're all social constructs, at least in terms of the 'value' that we attach to the things around us. Everything around us is valuable, or it might not be valuable at all to someone, it's all in how we see it, and your poem/picture is valuable because it's your unique perspective of a thing, a sentiment to a regular, everday tree, and what that everyday, regular tree really means in the context of everything else...All that matters is the journey there, the creating part, the enjoyment of taking the stuff that's in your head and manifesting it into a thing that can be seen, heard, smelt, or touched. I have so much uncertainty, often, that the things I create aren't any good, or aren't good enough, but I remember that thing in me that doesn't care about what others might think about it, if they like it or not...I mean, I hope that they like it, but they might not- I just want to make something...If someone thinks it's crappy, that's okay, as long as I was honest when I made it...I just really like the kinesthetic part of creating and coming up with ideas of how to make my idea/perspective work...It's so uniting...And it's a picture, or a product of what I was feeling/thinking at that moment...It's like a little time-capsule, and a momentary philosophy that might change, or might not, but it was from an honest place at the time, and I enjoyed making it...
When I was going to school for graphic design, I went through this terrible period where I felt like I was a phony...I had everyone else's ideas stuck in my mind, and I was overly concerned with somehow copying them, because I was surrounded by other people's creations...It was terrible, because I felt like I couldn't be creative anymore, because I was sorta overly concerned with being completely original...I also hung around a sorta negative group of people who poopood everything that people created, who devalued art because they were sorta these nihilist intellectual-types who found value in nothing, seemingly especially things that people enjoyed...lol...It was very negative, and again, sorta suffocated my sense of creativity...
Since I got this blasted illness, and I have time, I decided that I'm going to let that part die now- the negative part that's judgemental, and cynical. I don't have much choice, and frankly, I'm pretty thankful it happened....It's only too bad that I had to get ill to realize it! When we do the things we love to do, we are truly living a good life.
Anyway, keep on creating, girl! You are very talented, and your poem and beautiful tree touched me!  |
Nicky'
in another thread you wrote that you want to have your old life back.
but, now you write of something you have non-intentionally gained from this illness. both your beautiful poem and what you write now, are a result of having to stop and think over again.
susan sontac once wrote that an illness is not a curse and not a blessing, it is something that you have to weave into the fabric of your life.
or in other words you have no choice but to re-create your life in a new way.
what ever happens to us in life leads to gains and losses. even a wonderful event such as a the birth of a child is accompnied by some loss of doing what you could easily do before.
and even a bad thing like an illness, can lead to some gains. (and I don't mean in the sense of "secondary gains" that people use, when they talk about someone taking advantage of their illness, I am talking about true gains such as the ones you talk about).
I think that if you eventually find the way to balance the gains and the losses, then you have found the way to weave it into the fabric of your life.
you say- but I remember that thing in me that doesn't care about what others might think about it, if they like it or not...
now take it further and tell yourself that you don't care if the pharmacist sees you difficulty speaking and you don't care what people think about how you look etc...
I can see a few patients in my clinic and then I have to take a break and use my respirator, take an extra mestinon etc. and then I can see a few patients again, or attend a meeting.
my neurologist is quite "confused" by me, because he says that patients that have a companion, use a wheelchair and require respiratory support, don't usually work. I told him that I take advantage of the fluctuative nature of this illness and use the good hours to accomplish what I want and need to do. and I am also extremly fortunate that my co-workers, family and even my patients are ready to accpet me the way that I am.
but then I thought that part of it, is because I am ready to accpet me in the way that I am. I don't feel sorry for myself that I have to use a wheelchair, so no one else does. I have no problem going to a resteraunt with my family and using my respirator if I need it, so no one else makes a big deal out of this. in some ways I see myself a very fortunate person, in other ways I see myself as very un-fortunate. I have abilities and dissabilities. areas that I am quite talented in and other areas in which I totally lack any talent. but aren't we all like that?
a few years ago, when I was really depressed realizing that I gradually have to give up most of my professional dreams, a good friend said to me- your life until now was a straight line. you knew exactly where you want to go, and knew exactly how you plan to get there, and everything worked just as you planned. now your life has become three dimensional, and you just have to start seeing that even though your straight path has been pretty much blocked, there are so many other paths that you can take.
and it took me quite a while to realize how right she was.
alice