Holidays can be full of angst for many gluten free people. We've personally been very blessed with understanding family and friends who do their very best.
I have to admit that our gf lifestyle marked an era of change for our family in regard to Thanksgiving tradition. We had always eaten at my MIL's house, but after our first Thanksgiving dinner there after beginning a gluten free diet... I decided from thereafter, my family would eat Thanksgiving dinner at my house... and we would meet up with others in the evening. I just decided that Thanksgiving is the one holiday really centered upon food (as well as giving thanks
) and I didn't want my daughter to have to pass on all those desserts and other foods or worry about being contaminated in some form. So, I make a kick butt Thanksgiving dinner, including gluten free stuffing, gluten free/dairy free pumpkin pie, pecan pie, and cookies.
The crowd at Grandma's has diminished as other family members married and had to share holidays, etc. I do extend invitation to any family that is in the area, and for the past several years Grandma usually joins us, and sometimes other extensions of the family. My own family is now growing as my adult children bring along their signficant others... so the transition has worked out just fine.
This year we will spending Christmas Day and a couple preceding days at my son's house, and I know he and his wife will bend over backyards to be sure the food is safe for us. They always do. We have an early Christmas at my MIL's, and I will check with her on her menu, and bring along some safe gluten free desserts and maybe another dish or two...depending upon what she's planning. Over the years, her meals have morphed mostly to contain a safe meat, steamed veggies, fresh fruit platter or a safe fruit salad, etc. We usually only need avoid the rolls and desserts. She generally throws in a baked potato for us. If food is prepared from scratch... it isn't that difficult to put together a naturally wonderful gluten free meal!
So, my advice is
1) If you can swing hosting the holiday events, do so.
2) If not, talk to the host, and figure out what food will be served so that you can determine what parts will be safe. I have personally never imposed on others and asked them to change their menu for us, but rather ask to see what they will be having...and then plan accordingly. Sometimes, if they find out you can't eat the steamed cauliflower because it has bread crumbs atop, they might offer to forego the breadcrumbs and sprinkle with paprika. Some things like that can be relatively simple.
2) Offer to bring a couple favorite dishes (either naturally gluten free or made gluten free).
3) Ask to fill your plate first, to avoid contamination that can occur inadvertantly as people fill their plates, or see if the host can set some food aside for you... especially when there are sauces involved you can't be sure of. Get yours "pre-sauced".
4) If you really don't feel you can trust the food, bring your own plate along. If it is a holiday meal, and you know they will be having turkey, ham, etc, you could make your own smaller version of the meal, fill you plate at home, and warm it in the microwave while you are there. Hopefully, family or good friends will understand your "quirkiness" and not think of you as quirky at all.
I've heard of so many people having so many problems when eating away from home at friends or family, over the holidays. I guess I have been extremely fortunate. I have done a variety of what I've mentioned above, and the least I expect of others.... the more they seem to do! I've got family who will get on the Internet and research safe brands, makes meals in parts... keeping the pasta away from the chili...so we can take just the chili (with pre-verified safe ingredients).... leave salad dressings to the sides, buy the right gf beef buillion to make the chip dip safe, buy the right gf soy sauce to make a sauce safe, set aside roast beef before the au jus is added, leave glaze off the ham, buy the brand turkey or ham that will state it is gluten free, etc, etc, etc. I have a SIL who makes trips to the local gluten free bakery to buy us special gf cupcakes when celebrating birthdays.
It's really sad that some people have such negative encounters during the holiday season. The idea of celebrating holidays is about getting together with the people you care about... and it is a shame if food gets in the way of that.
You can also just eat ahead, and nibble on relishes, etc, while others eat the rest. This works ok for some office parties with mostly appetizers or buffets, but not as much with sit down formal meals.
Think about what will be hardest to forego... if you think it will be the breads or desserts... bring along gluten free versions of those, either just for yourselves or to share. I find my gluten free desserts please everyone. Most people can't even notice they are made gf.
Do not go to a Thanksgiving dinner, and then sit and pout while everyone else splurges on pumpkin pie. Bring your own favorite dessert along.
Plan your best tactics... it will be different depending upon how far you are traveling, what you might be able to take along ahead, how well you know (and trust) the host, etc. But, nobody should be offended if you bring along your own plate of food... and tell them you have food sensitivities that require you to bring along your own food if that is what you feel you need to do.