hi there thelonely- your honest description is something you did very well. Despite the claim of having little skills or motivation to help yourself, you did something incredible by speaking of your inner state in a way that others really heard you and got it.

The hardest thing of all is to reach out in the midst of such pain which seems to paralyze every aspect of your life. I honor this part of you who is still there, despite all that seems to be holding her down. Keep posting, keep giving this part a voice. I suspect this part has much to say which needs to be heard by your every day understanding of who you are. You are in truth much more than the part which wants to die.

Just because one part of our self wishes to die does not mean there are not other parts which are wishing to live, even thrive. As long as this part has a voice and a compassionate witness in this forum you are still with us and perceived with heart and wisdom and the best possible encouragement.

The responses were very genuine and caring and I hope you can take them in, if only a little. What would you name or call the part which reaches out and names her reality? Is she young? If you can avoid lumping her into all your other parts or identities then she might be given more focus and help you to climb out of the pit, hand over hand, maybe "covered in mud". But eventually, it is very likely you will stand once again in the light which you feel has gone out of your life.

The one thing I would suggest is to call your county mental heath department and tell them your truth as it is now. Someone who takes sliding scale or a group would be the key to supporting the part of you who wishes to live and helping the part who wishes to die to be understood.

Dying to the old self, old wounds, old carried beliefs does not have to be a physical death. I have been there in a less intense way and only hope to share so that you know there is a strong possibility that joy is your birthright. Even if you do not have any faith that it is possible now. For now believe others who will hold this for you until you can hold it for yourself once again. No one can do this process alone. Thank you for sharing and giving others and myself a chance to reach out and try to make a difference. I pray you will find the support you need in your process. All the best despite being in the worst...TT