Believe me, Miriam, I DO know the depression thing. My heart is screaming out to you.....the hardest part of it all is the GUILT that goes along with this... I hate what i've become to my husband.....my kids are too young to comprehend the true scope of this battle, mainly because i tend to 'hide' away in my room so my saddness won't 'show'.... I've turned my friends away because i'm too
embarrassed to be this way. I used to be a fun and outgoing person. This crap has completely devastated my entire life.......
I'll be point blank honest, i have entertained the thought of ending it all, but could never bring myself to actually DO it......so i thought of the elaborate plan of hiring a hitman to do it FOR me......now how awful is THAT. oh the battles within! And then of course comes all the SHAME and self-hatred for even thinking these things! I've beaten myself up emotionally because of how selfish and degrading the thoughtlife can get....
I could go on and on, but i'm sure you catch my drift....
i guess my point is to let you know that YES this PN crap can completely take us down.......I'm so glad you are reaching out for professional help emotionally as well as medically. That right there shows what strength and determination you have to fight this thing. You're doing it for your family. I will be praying for you please know that.
I've been known to try and 'hide' behind humor when actually i'm more down than ever before, so maybe it comes across as being too 'lighthearted' i suppose..... i must admit tho....these 'smilies' are fun to play with but i guess it's just that i've spent wayyy too many days living in a black hole and feeling as tho life is over....

Yes, i've been in a pain clinic (2 actually) for several years and i'm right around the corner of making the most drastic decision i've ever made.....getting the spinal cord stimulator implant.
I know the pain is the worst part...and you said you don't like pills.....have you considered the 'patch'?? That's the only thing that has kept the pain at bay to where i haven't totally lost my marbles.....but i'm tired of opioids cuz they have their own negative perks, thus my decision to bite the bullet and get the SCS implant. Whatever it takes to take away the pain.....that's what the meds are for....
well, i've gone on enuf....i've never spilled my guts to this degree before, but your posts have really struck a chord....plus you being so young.....
SO not fair.....
Vent all you want.....that's what this is for...

Keep the Faith
Rae