hi there, I am guessing my suggestions did not help you much. May I ask how old you are Carmel? I assumed, foolishly, that you had the resources to get care as an adult. I am sorry to assume.

I hear that things are still really awful for you and that on top of feeling badly, you do not feel seen and heard. I do relate to that feeling and I am really sorry if I added to it unwittingly.

I used to say what I expected others to wanted to hear, while a part of me was secretly screaming inside begging for help. I simply did not know how to tell them openly what I was feeling. I wonder if you relate to my experience?

I would like to offer another more appropriate possible solution. If you are in school, and there is a school nurse or counselor, could you go and ask to just talk to them?

They are usually pretty cool folks or would not be in this profession. Perhaps someone who doesn't know anything about you would be easier to tell your story to. They can often listen without judging better than those who "know" us.

Perhaps getting seen by a compassionate witness who is not related or an authority figure, but more like a friend, would be helpful right now. Maybe they could see how scared you feel today. How overwhelmed with painful, horrible thoughts and feelings. Is this right or am I reading into your last post? Please write back and let me know if you wish for more support Ok?

I don't think you are dying, although it can certainly feel like it at times in everyone's life. Try to think of someone who you can talk to openly. Fear is like an animal which grows when it 'hides in it's cave'. The only one who can face your fear is you, but you do not have to do it alone, in fact you cannot do it alone. No one can.

I also suggest that you try again to tell your mom what you are feeling, or if you cannot say it to her, write it in a letter and put it where she, or another adult person, can find it. Sometimes it can feel like there is someone inside of us forbidding us to express what we truly think and feel. Give that part permission to speak up and reassure her that you will not judge her even if she is misunderstood by others. There is some reason she has a need to be heard, you could be her strongest advocate. Right?!! hoping you feel better soon. Guaranteed that all things do change sooner or later. Best Wishes TT

PS. Ask for help at the top of the letter so she knows to take it to heart seriously and that you are seeing aid and comfort right now.