Thanks for talking about your depression. I think being on the forums also helped a lot. I met one lady on the BT forum years ago that was just like my Dr. She would call me anytime of the night to check on me or I'd call her. The first time she called me it was around 2 in the morning. She told me to send my phone no and she'd call me. I credit her, a good friend here and my beloved Dr. I actually called him at 11:30 at night begging for help. He'd talk me through it. Bill was sick at the time too, but he was great about helping take care of me. Bill and I were married almost 35 years when he passed away. I have a lot of family and friends now that help me out a lot.

As far as a chemical imbalance. My Dr. told me years ago that I was missing a chemical that fights off cancer and diseases. I've always said there wasn't anything normal about me. When I saw him Wed. he was laughing about it because now I am having to switch stomach meds due to having an allergic reaction to the Prevacid. I sure don't do meds too well. I'd rather deal with the ailment then the meds at times.

I can spot a depressed person a mile away but I have only met one in person that was as bad off as I was. We signed ourselves into a mental facility around the same time and they threw us both out just about. I couldn't take depression meds, so they didn't want to bother councelling me. I think they thought we were too hard of cases to deal with. After seeing a couple of other Councellors that were useless my PCP just said forget it, he'd councel me. It's took him over 10 years to get me this far but he's been my Dr. for 19.
I do believe that councelling is important for some people to help them get through what they are going through and trying to deal with the pain but unfortunetly, a lot won't admit they need help to get it.

Now I might be able to enjoy that vacation you were talking about. I did go back home last year for a visit and got sick the second week so it would most likely have to be a short one.

I always thought I was a weakling but I know now I am not. Like you, I walk a lot. For 8 years I walked and cried at the same time. I'd walk 3 miles a day and cry the whole time in pain and depression.

Meditation and prayer is very important for people with depression. My Dr. taught me Meditation and gave me tapes on it. He prayed with me many a time and encouraged me to keep walking.

Answering the phone was not one of my big things when I was at my worst. I hated answering it to talk to anyone. I had a select few I knew I had to talk to so I'd know they were all ok if they called me. I still don't answer the phone a lot of times only because I don't feel like talking.

Books and hobbies help also. My PT's receptionist gave me the best book on depression years ago. I wish I could remember the name of it. It was a ladies story and that book seemed like it was written about me. I gave it to my Dr. so I would say he has it in his Library along with the RSD book I gave him. I wanted him to read it to see what I was living with.

The meds do add to the depression, that's why we worked so hard for me to get off of them. Even the Prozac and Zoloft made me more suicidal.

That's why I worry about certain people when I know they are going through major depression. I know what it's like to want to end it all. I have know 9 people in my life that committed suicide. So I know it's all real.

I love that lidocaine too. I swear it's what has helped me. It was a slow way of getting it, through 1000's of shots but it worked. Luckily, my PCP is also a Sports Medicine Dr. so he knew how to deal with pain and what he didn't know he learned. He also gives painless shots. LOL I'm not completely pain free but I do feel like I am pretty much in remission with it.

Sandy, I hope you are at a better place today then you were. Stay here on the board and talk to everyone and enjoy what you can of life in the real world.

Ada