I can understand how you feel, when they make you appear as if you are trying to convince them that you are ill. at some point you do start to look like a hypochondriac, who is over obsessed by her minor and unimportant medical problems.

a few years ago, one of my well-intentioned colleagues said to me, that all I need to do is stop thinking about my illness so much. I asked him- is this what you say to your leukemia patients as well?

this is a catch-22 situation. you can't be your own doc and read on your own and reach conclussions, because then you are a hypochondriac. but, then no one in the world is going to do it for you, either.

my current neuro was the only one that could say to me- I am learning from you. the only one that was not intimated by the fact that I am a physician, with quite a lot of knowledge and understanding. the only one that said- if you have searched the literature and think that this could be of benefit, then I am with you. the only one that didn't suggest I seek psychiatric advice when I "dared" to say what I think, or mention a paper that he himself didn't read. the only one that honestly admitted that manging my illness is like sailng an uncharted sea, and that it is OK if we try to find the best way together.

all the rest were not able to accept the fact that I know something that they don't. all the rest were mostly busy with their own ego trips.

more then 10 years ago, when I was a medical resident in philadelphia, I was very unhappy with the managment of one of the patients. I thought that the treatment he was getting was not correct and clearly said what I think.
the next day I was called to the office of the head of the dept. he asked me to sit down and I could see it was not something pleasant that he was going to say to me. he said to me- look, the problem I have with you is that you are very bright and what you say can't be ignored, so I can't just kick you out of the program. and right after that, he reluctantly changed the patient's mangment according to what I said.

it is one thing to be treated like that as a healthy physician, for being your patient's advocate ( it did not make me change my ways, just learned to be more diplomatic about it, when possible), and being treated like that as a patient, who desperately needs proper treatment and support, and is fighting for her own life.
almost all of them treated me just like that head of the dept.-
learning from me, improving their patient's managment based on what I said, and giving me the feeling that they would really love to kick me out, and get me as far away from their sight as is possible.

the only one that ever said- I am sorry, for the serious mistakes, for trusting your physicians more then trusting you, for not understanding how severely ill you are, was my father, and to some extent my husband and my rehab. physician.


so I really do understand how you feel, but don't let that stop you from finding the right answers and recieving proper care.

alice