Moi,
You know a little about my feelings towards my dad and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. When he died I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Not even relief. Emptiness is not a good thing and over time I realized how angry I still was about everything, and that I was keeping it all in and pretending it didn't matter. It did. Everyone says forgive him, yet I found that impossible. What I learned to do, over time, was forgive myself. For the feelings. For the things I said. For the things I thought. They were mean and petty and selfish...

and human. When we are hurt we hurt back. When we are pushed we push back. When we feel hated we hate back.

So I forgave myself for my part....
and came to peace with the rest. All these years later I have learned that, though I don't know if I have forgiven him ( because really, I never really could) but I have come to terms. And maybe a better understanding of who he was and why he acted the way that he did. And why I acted the way that I did....
You do what you know. When you know better, you do better. (May Angelou)

You did what you knew and so did he. Let it go, know he loved you even if he couldn't show it, and you loved him, even if you couldn't admit it...
and forgive yourself as much as you can...and him as much as you need to.

Love ya, Bud!
( and I am not a fan of flies, but I have actively tried to "drive" spiders off of my car...nasty little gits)