My husband was a soldier (101st Airborne) and did some things he wont talk about either. He has opened up about some things but for the most part he keeps that part of his life to himself. Your not a monster. You were trained to take care of business and that business saved many soldiers and innocent people.

Have you considered going to the VA and talking to someone? They have a PTS clinic specifically for situations like this. Your not a bad guy, your not losing it, you are having normal thoughts.

If that isn't your cup of tea, and many soldiers would say that, get with other vets who have gone through similar things. Sometimes just being around others who "get it" helps.