I wonder if I can stop by to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been of any support to my family and friends here?

I wonder if it makes sense to you that those two weeks that he was in the hospital were two of the best weeks of the past 8 years?

I wonder if I am mean and cruel because I told him that I've known for years that he doesn't love me or care about me, that he will always have a place to live here but that I can no longer "pretend." I wonder where he gets the energy to erupt with anger/rage when he says that he doesn't have the energy to even walk around the block.

I wonder why I feel so guilty? Why, why, why . . .? I just wanted to love and to be loved, but I never considered that the incident that occurred just a week or so after we married would be a preview of my next 8-9 years with him. He accessed my credit line, and now I live in fear that I won't be able to meet my financial obligations.

I wonder what to do . . ..

I don't wonder about the value of my friends here. Thank you for continuing to care for and about me even when I retreat into my silent, solitary state. I'm so grateful for each of you.

from my *heart,
reyn