Hi there, so many deeply felt, wise offers of support here for you. I can only hope to offer a limited perspective from which to offer you some hope. On behalf of all those who have found themselves acting out of the internalized abuser/abuser at some time.....

When horrifying and monstrous things happen, it can become a defense mechanism to take it on as a personal attribute or sense of flawed self as responsible. You have not invented or been the cause of war throughout history of humankind. Perhaps it seems easier to find the flaw in yourself alone, rather than to see that it is also collectively agreed upon by others. There is no way to make sense of the kind of violent realities you described. This is my point exactly. It has gone on since the beginning of time. It seems easier to blame oneself, than to face the incomprehensible, irrational horrors capable of manifesting within human nature. Finding meaning in humankind's craziness by feeling personally responsible for war, is creating war inside yourself, internalizing the process. No one person can take on all of history as a personal responsibility.

My hope for you is that you can choose to stop the internal war against yourself. Let the external craziness be outside where it belongs. There is not much anyone can do. Choosing to love oneself, despite being human and potentially capable [collectively] of both good and evil, both innocent and guilty, both gods and monsters is stopping the war.

We get to choose. If one person stops the internalized oppression/abuser, there is a chance it will make a difference in the collective 'field' outside. I hope you will forgive yourself and use your awareness to help others name the insanity so it might be clearly seen.

Getting caught in playing a role in the insanity of war has fallen to warriors in every epoch of history. This is how I would prefer to see your situation. From my very limited perspective, the only true monsters are those who have no willingness to admit to this insanity we are capable of. The real war you fight now, is to refuse to identify with the dark side of human nature in yourself. Nothing can obstruct true repentance and request for forgiveness within ones own heart, the recognition of sins we might have committed, knowingly or unknowingly, from ignorance of our inherent Wholeness rather than Hole-ness identity.

This Wholeness does not come from outside but from inside. Some call this Grace, Jesus, Light, Love, or whatever Higher Power might be named. It has been, and always will be a mystery. We all have a piece of this light/dark duality inside. Some play it out more than others. Some get to have it played out for them, to them, etc... It is endless. It will go on forever......

I hope you can find some place of inherent goodness within yourself, and focus on this kernel, which is just as valid as the other parts. The possibility of renaming your "case of mistaken identity" once and for all is there. We all have both heaven and hell within us. Please, find someone to help you remember your other parts, your inner heaven, still alive and ready to step forward once again. Best wishes TT