I totally understand that it is hard to have a disconnect with a person that you were/are close with- it can be maddening. When I first had my SCS put in and had subsequent revisions and then issues with blood clots, it was really hard. The first time I was in the hospital, all kinds of people were there. And then each time after that less and less people came to see me. I have always tried to understand that hospitals are not something that people are used to dealing with when they are 19. But then I realized that hospitals and sickness are not something that anyone is used to dealing with. And even if a person has had experience with illness, it can be difficult to deal with depending on your relationship with the person who is sick. The dynamics can all change around.

My motto about people is that you never know what someone else is dealing with. If someone is rude to me or mean to me, I try to imagine what it is that has made them lash out that way. Maybe the person at the grocery store is fighting with her spouse, or the rude lady at the gas station who stole my pump while it was raining and then flipped me off (today!) just got bad news from a doctor. It's hard to do at first, but in the long run I am happier when I try to empathize with people and not take their behavior too personally.

I know it can be hard to see, but for your friend, this is her life and these things are real problems- that are important- to her. Sometimes it can cause problems, but at the end of the day, I am happy that my friends cannot exactly relate to what I am going through. I am glad that the dog peeing on the rug is a big problem for them. I don't want them to feel pain and suffering and loss. Not that you do! Not saying that!

I think that it is important for you to put yourself in her shoes, just as much as you want her to step into your shoes. Judging her life won't solve much, and it will just make you bitter. Write her a letter, but don't send it, to get past some of the anger that you are feeling. And I would also look in to getting a therapist. I had a lot of problems with my ex when I relied on only him as my support system after a trauma in my life- sometimes it can cause resentment when a person feels (whether rightly or wrongly!) that you are relying on them too much. This is a big life change that you are going through, and getting more support can never be a bad thing!

Sometimes when people don't know what to do they step away from a situation and don't try at all for fear of failing. Maybe try to offer her something concrete to do, or take the first step yourself. Bring over some chicken soup to her house for her husband! This can help her to see that you take her and her life seriously, and then it will help her to take your life and problems seriously.

I do have to kind of disagree with something that Bobber said though- I don't think that love is unconditional. Maybe unconditional as far as illnesses and all, but I think that people love us because of the way that we act, and our personalities. And if that starts to change, then love can change. If I am hurting, I really try to make an effort not to take it out on my boyfriend. The man who wrote the movie "Love Story" died the other day, and they quoted the famous line from it- "love means never having to say that you're sorry." And I think that is the stupidest line ever! Love is the exact opposite of that! Love means respecting someone enough TO say that you are sorry, that you screwed up. Love means abandoning pride and working on things together.

Ok, that last part was totally a rant, but not totally off of the subject


Lynn